The Quarian
by subverter
Summary: Tali hopes that her crush on Shepard will be a short-lived infatuation.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Magnetism

Tali is in engineering, playing with her omni-tool, thinking of modifications and upgrades she can make to the Normandy when Shepard crashes next to her. It's late and she can't sleep. Ah, the ship is too quiet. But Shepard—Shepard doesn't usually make her way down to engineering. Not at this time of night.

Everyone else has turned in. The lights are dimmed save for the pulse of the computer equipment and the glow of the drive core. "Up late, aren't you?" Shepard asks. Tali glances at her shyly, grateful, for once, for the helmet she must wear for survival. "Ship still too quiet for you?"

"A little," she says, blushing beneath the helmet. "I like to fix things. As a quarian, it's something of a requirement." She shows Shepard some of the schematics she's been working on. "I found some areas for improvements here," she clicks a few keys on the omni-tool, "and here. At first, I thought that I should show them to Engineer Adams, but I don't want him to think I'm being rude. He has been kind to me—I wouldn't want things to sour between us."

"Honestly, I can't make heads or tails of this," Shepard tells Tali, leaning in to look at the blueprints, cocking her head before shrugging. The lights dance across her face and eyes. "But if there's room for improvement I'd suggest taking it to him. We're all in this together."

"Maybe." She looks at her again, minimizing her work. "Why are you awake?"

Shepard shrugs. "Killing time. Liara's working on some research," she says with a roll of her eyes. "She got all embarrassed and kicked me out. On my own ship, can you believe it?" she smiles with some amusement. "It was sort of cute so I let it go."

"Oh." Tali has seen how Liara looks at Shepard. She doesn't make an effort to hide her feelings or maybe she's completely oblivious. Tali hasn't figured it out, yet. "So… you two are…" Shepard shrugs. Oh. That's how it is. At least she knows now instead of driving herself crazy with imaginings. She wonders if knowing is worse. Whatever. She's had crushes before. She'll get over it like she did then. "Do you normally get involved with your crew?"

Shepard chuckles. "Not at all. She's not exactly part of the crew, though. Not in the Alliance," she clarifies. "I figure that makes it okay." Tali bites her tongue to keep from saying that she's not in the Alliance either. "I'd hate to be unprofessional."

"Somehow, I don't believe that for a moment."

"That's because you're a smart kid." Shepard says. Kid? Tali sighs inwardly. Maybe everyone is a kid compared to an asari. Even Shepard. "Quarians usually have Pilgrimages this exciting?"

"Not really. But given that my father is an admiral, this will do. As I've said before, there is a lot of pressure on me, even if no one on the fleet ever directly says it. He's expecting a lot, too. Now, he has _never_ been shy about telling me how I need to lead my life."

"And you just take it?"

"He's my father. I don't know how it is elsewhere—but quarians take family very seriously. There are so few of us. And we're stuck with each other, no matter what. We're nomads—in some ways we're tough. But like with my mother—sometimes you don't know when the end will come. It can take so little." Tali looks to her knee as Shepard covers it with two hard taps. Tali thinks they're meant to be reassuring. The contact is gone soon enough. "You never talk about your family, Shepard."

"Not much to say. They were both in the Alliance. I spent a lot of time on ships growing up. My dad died a few years back." She shrugs. "But mom is still around."

"I'm sorry about your father. What was he like?"

"Alliance man, through and through. Kind of a hard ass. He whacked me a few times. Trying to teach me some respect, build some character." She points to the gash along her eyebrow. "That was him, too. An accident. You should have seen Mom rip him a new one. Eventually I hit back. That made him happy, when I knocked him on his ass. He cut it out after that and I enlisted."

Tali thinks it sounds horrible. But she probably shouldn't say that. "At least you had your mother looking out for you. What does she think of all of this?"

"Haven't talked to her, so I'm not sure."

"Are you estranged?"

"No. Not really. She probably thinks I should call more."

"You're a bad daughter."

Shepard laughs. "Yeah, you're probably right."

Tali was only half-joking. She can't imagine having a family and not bothering to call them. She thinks of Shepard's reputation on Torfan. Maybe it shouldn't surprise her. She has seen Shepard be caring to her squad—but she has also seen her gun down those she might have talked down. "Do you two get along? What does she think of you?"

"You ask a lot of questions. I guess I should be grateful that you're asking instead of searching through my records." She smiles at her. Tali finds herself staring again. She's embarrassed. It isn't such a crime on the Flotilla to ask questions. They have to be open—they're so closed off otherwise, so removed. "Mom thinks I'm a pain in the ass who doesn't like to follow orders. She thought I blackmailed someone into promoting me to Commander." Shepard laughs again.

Tali doesn't hear it often. She likes the sound of it. She isn't sure how serious Shepard is about what she says. She'd been so intimidated by her when she'd first met her but Shepard doesn't seem to take anything too seriously. "Did you?"

"Maybe I'll tell you someday." She rolls her head back. "I was going to ask you to join me for a beer—you old enough to drink?"

"Of course," Tali says shortly. Are all humans such jerks or is it Commander Shepard messing with her?

"Mh. That's good. Can't ask you to go killing for me when you can't shoot one back. Anyway, I just remembered that you can't drink the same booze I can and I don't have anything you could have onboard. I'd hate to kill my little quarian engineer. Adams would have my head." She slaps Tali's hand twice, patting it as if she were some puppy before getting to her feet. "I'm going to distract Liara some more," she says with a grin. "I'll leave you to it, Tali'Zorah nar Rayya. Get some rest, kid."

Tali looks after her.

Ashley is xenophobic. Tali wishes she weren't such a human stereotype. The first time she'd stumbled into her muttering with Navigator Pressly about the aliens onboard Tali hadn't known what to say. She'd been momentarily paralyzed. She'd left, feeling embarrassed and close to tears. It isn't anything new—but it's hard enough to be away from her family, from her people. To have her so-called allies distrust her just because of what race she happened to be born is maddening and stressful. She's risking her life like the rest of them.

She's on her way to the shuttle bay when she hears Ashley's voice, on the verge of anger and Shepard's voice, placating and amused. She hesitates—not wanting to interrupt.

"You're telling me you're afraid of a young, quarian girl?" Shepard laughs. "Williams, you need to grow a pair."

"Maybe it's a joke to you, Skipper—"

"No, it's not a joke. I get that you're worried. I _get_ it, Williams. But without Tali's data the council wouldn't have taken us seriously, we wouldn't have known what Saren was up to and that the Reapers were involved. It's my job to work with aliens—it's all of our jobs to. This is greater than humanity or our pride. And as long as you're aboard this ship it's your duty, too. So here's an order Williams, you drop this and let it go or you get the hell off my ship. We have enough fighting to do—and fighting amongst ourselves isn't going to help anybody. Are we clear?"

"But Commander her people are responsible for the Geth—"

"Are we _clear_ , Williams?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Good." She slaps her arm. "Now go grab a beer and a card game on crew deck. Enough rifle cleaning," she says with a smile. "We've got enough killing to do tomorrow. Might as well enjoy life while we can."

"If you insist…" she shakes her head and wanders off.

"Hey, Williams. No hard feelings."

"I'll follow orders."

Shepard watches her step into the elevator before running her hands through her hair and pacing. Tali hesitantly creeps into the shuttle bay. Garrus and Wrex are nowhere to be seen. It's the reason she'd visited, wondering if they had any interest in a card game. Shepard stops suddenly, looking in her direction. "Enjoy the show?"

Tali steps out of the shadows. How humiliating. "Sorry, Shepard. I didn't mean to eavesdrop. If it makes you feel any better, I'm embarrassed. You have enough going on. If I can't handle one human talking badly about me, my Pilgrimage and this entire mission are going to be short lived."

"All right, so you've heard what some of the crew are saying. Why haven't you done anything about it?"

"I may be an admiral's daughter but spending so much time with humans is still new to me. More than that, it's my first time on a human ship. I didn't want anyone to think that I couldn't take it. I can, for the record, but it still hurts. I didn't want to step on any toes, not your crew's, anyway."

"You're part of my crew, too. I don't want any of that crap happening on this ship. It happens again, you let me know."

"I appreciate it. But… I'll take care of it myself. Maybe I'll try the direct approach next time. I doubt I'll be as good as you at it, but… maybe with some practice. I know you have a lot to do, Shepard. I'd rather others not resent you because they have a problem with me."

"If they have a problem with you, they have a problem with me."

Tali's face flushes. Once again she's grateful for the helmet. She brings a hand to her face but only touches her helmet. How long has it been since her skin has touched anything other than her suit? "Well…that's not necessary, but thank you. I really appreciate it, Shepard."

"Don't let Ash bug you. She's all right. She doesn't mean any of that shit she says."

"No? I hope you're right. Either way…" Shepard smiles and walks closer, peering at her. Is she trying to see beneath her helmet? Tali twines her fingers without meaning to. Her breathing becomes erratic. Oh, Keelah. Here she is, acting like some awestruck girl. She needs to get it together. "How are—things with Liara?"

"Liara?" Shepard says the name as if trying to recall who the person is. "Well enough. It's not serious. Friends with benefits. Without many of the benefits, to be honest." Another careless shrug. Is it so easy for Shepard to shrug everything away? "Why? Have a crush on her?"

"What? No. No! Not—not on Liara. Or—or anyone else," she mutters. She forces herself to look at Shepard who has an infuriating smug smirk on her lips. Tali flushes more. This is awful. "But, Shepard—does she know that you think of it that way? Liara seems… sensitive. You'll be careful with her, won't you?"

"Can't say that I'm careful with much of anything. Don't worry. I'll be on my best behavior. Want to come up for a game? We'll be doing some drinking. Maybe even some strip poker? Bet you have a hell of a poker face." Tali doesn't know whether to be flattered or whether to smash her. Smash her. Definitely smash her. She crosses her arms, cocking her head. "Then again, maybe not…" Shepard smiles again, pauses to look at her before turning away. "Remember to turn in by bedtime," she says waving her off.

Tali tries not to pout.

To think that the geth exist, that her people created them and they're back now, beyond the veil. To think that she has to fight them. When she left for her Pilgrimage, she never imagined things would go like this. She…shouldn't be having fun, should she? No, she tells herself firmly. She shouldn't be.

The geth are machines, helping Saren. They worship the Reapers! Taking them out is doing the galaxy a favor. She runs through the rusty hallways of the once abandoned facility, Wrex's heavy steps pound behind her. Shepard is far in the lead. She uses a sniper rifle and a heavy hand cannon but you'd never know it from the way she charges forward.

There are jagged edges everywhere. Tali can't smell the place. She can never smell much of anything. But she sees the sharp edges of the facility. One small cut here could kill her. Ah, the life of a quarian. She fears bacteria more than she fears bullets, though those aren't much better.

"Where is she going?" Tali asks Wrex, whose footsteps shake the place as he catches up to her, making her balance more precarious.

"Probably trying to beat us to all the killing," Wrex says. "She's a maniac. I'm not going to let her have all the fun."

Tali hears the pride in his voice. "I wouldn't put it that way," she says picking up her pace. She runs through a doorway, and sees a large open space with a rusty railing, broken in parts. There's a firefight. Tali hears the shattering sound of Shepard's sniper rifle and runs into cover. She can never dive in with the flair of Shepard, Wrex, Ashley or the others. A rip in her suit would spell disaster, even if she survived. She lifts her head to see a geth head hurling towards her. She shifts her head, though part of it smashes into the side of her helmet. Ow. Her fingers touch the suit instinctively, checking for any damage. None. She sighs with relief and frowns at the geth head as it spins at her feet. A geth is bearing on her. She stands, one blast of the shotgun at close range and its down. She sprints out of cover, reloading, running and gunning until she's taken down five more.

The battle is over soon enough. Shepard high-fives Wrex. Tali's surprised they don't do a chest bump or headbutt in celebration. Geth pieces are everywhere. Tali lets Shepard and Wrex talk and moves around, examining the pieces, taking anything small that could help the fleet and tucking it away in her many pockets. When they dock, she will send what she can back to the Flotilla. It won't be what she presents to a captain of a fleet—but it is what her father wants and she will do as asked.

Tali is careful with what she examines, if there is any chance that it could reanimate, it could be self-aware in any way, she does not take it. She's examining a geth arm when a hand lights on her shoulder. She whips back, pistol in hand. Shepard snatches her fingers, four of them, one thumb around her wrist. Tali focuses on the pressure and glances at the geth arm she still holds. She wonders what Shepard thinks of her. Does she think the same as the others? "I'm sorry," she mutters, "you scared me."

"At least you went for the pistol and not the shotgun," she takes the gun from Tali before releasing her wrist and returning the pistol. "You're one hell of a spitfire in battle. I'd swear your eyes were gleaming in the middle of the fight."

Tali once again wonders if Shepard goes out of her way to be a jerk. "Too bad you'll never know for sure."

"Damn shame." She stoops beside her and takes the arm from Tali, flopping it back and forth, the geth fingers moving every which way before Shepard dumps it unceremoniously. "What are you doing with this?"

"Ah, nothing," she hurries. "I'm… curious, I guess." She can't lie to Shepard, shouldn't lie to Shepard—but there are some things that come before her command and those are her people, her father. "Not all of our records of the geth are intact. I wonder if they have evolved like they did before." She sighs. "What would that mean? For them and the galaxy?"

"More dead people, is my guess. I'm not here to philosophize why they exist. I line up the shot and take it."

"I wish I could be so cavalier about it." She takes the arm that Shepard discarded and looks at it again, before picking up a head with a tangle of wires hanging loose from it. "These things are the reason my people are reviled throughout the galaxy."

"Help me stop the geth, Saren and the Reapers and the galaxy will change its mind. No one could hate a quarian if they met you." Tali smiles, not telling Shepard how many times others have met her and not given a damn about getting to know her. Shepard takes the geth head from Tali's hand and chucks it across the room. It clatters, sliding before going still. "Let's get going."

Tali nods absently, taking Shepard's hand when she extends it to pull her to her feet.

It's strange to sleep in the crew's quarters with the men and women of the Alliance. Strange—but reassuring. It's the only time she feels as if she were back in the Flotilla; in the darkness it's hard to tell the difference. That is, if it weren't for all the deafening silence.

She retreats to the crew deck at the appropriate time but often stays up later, searching the ship for scraps, for projects. There's a coffee maker that isn't working as it should, there are datapads that have been discarded, all in close to perfect condition—if they knew what to do.

Tali does. She takes the pieces to the mess hall tables and makes the appropriate modifications. It makes her feel more at home—which she guesses isn't supposed to be the point of the Pilgrimage. Amidst all the talk and excitement about the move into adulthood, no one told her how lonely it would be. She misses her friends. She misses dancing.

She doesn't really have any friends on the Normandy. She gets along with others but she isn't close to anyone. The closest would be Shepard. Shepard with her reckless smiles—her reckless everything, really. She can be a bit of a bosh'tet at times—but maybe that's part of her charm. Oh, Keelah. Her friends would laugh. Leave it to daddy's girl to have a crush on someone like Shepard. Maybe she's the one who's a cliché.

She hears doors opening and laughter, small protests. She looks up; the med-bay door is open with Shepard and Liara spilling out. Liara pushes Shepard back. Shepard smiles, she kisses her once, then twice.

"Shepard, this is inappropriate," she hears Liara mutter before Shepard pushes her against the wall and kisses her deeply. Liara closes her eyes, sighing softly before wrapping her arms around Shepard's neck. Her fingers thread through Shepard's hair. Tali frowns gently and looks down at the datapad she's working on, her gloved hands. These kinds of things shouldn't bother her anymore. "Shepard…" Liara sighs before nearly shouting the name. She shoves her off.

"What's the big—" Shepard spots Tali as she hurriedly gathers her things. "Oh, we have a guest. It's past your bedtime, isn't it?" Liara takes Shepard's arm but Shepard brushes her off. "What are you doing up?"

"I was bored," Tali explains. "I was just working on a few," she shows her the items. "Quarians know to save everything. I was just…" she can't think of an explanation that adequately erases any embarrassment. "I—ah—don't worry I won't tell… not that it's a secret," she mutters hurriedly. "Hello, Liara," she says to her.

"Good evening, Tali'Zorah," Liara returns, looking even more mortified than Tali feels. "I ah—it's time for bed. Goodnight, both of you," she nods and hurries past them.

"She's so bashful," Shepard tells Tali with a small smile. She picks up the datapad Tali had been working on. "You're something else, aren't you?" She sits on the mess hall table and crosses her arms, looking at her. "Did you leave a boyfriend back on the Flotilla? Girlfriend, maybe?"

"Ah, no. I ah—" She doesn't know how to explain it, doesn't want to explain it, doesn't know how to say that the kisses that Shepard blows off as nothing require an intimacy that quarians rarely experience. "I didn't. I was born on the Rayya. We are not particularly meant to stay on the ships we are born. If everyone did we would only have family as suitable partners which creates a host of problems, as you can imagine."

"So your Pilgrimage is a chance to test the waters?"

"Yes. We expose ourselves to the world, we try to prove our worth to whatever ship ultimately takes us. All of us are curious and restless. And it's so cramped that sometimes it does feel miserable. If we didn't go on our Pilgrimage we wouldn't appreciate what we have. Anyway, I'm getting carried away. We begin our Pilgrimage when we enter adulthood. Young adulthood," she clarifies. "So many of us aren't… ah… involved, when we leave," she says.

"So you don't get to leave home until you're all grown up. I'm guessing quarians aren't exactly like humans. Getting trashed, making bad decisions, partying all the time?"

"As much fun as that sounds, no. The point is to act like adults, not children." She senses that Shepard is being a smart-ass. "But it is generally thought that when we have presented a captain of a ship with a gift our journey is complete. We earn our adult names, then. And we can begin attending to that life and those…relationships. I am sure that commanding officers reminding us of our 'bedtime' does not hurry the process of adulthood along."

Shepard laughs. "Come on. Bedtime's not just for the kiddos. Trust me. But you haven't settled yet." She smiles. Tali shakes her head. Shepard looks her over. "You okay? I didn't mean to scandalize you a minute ago. Or Liara." She sighs.

"You have an affinity for it." Tali says. Shepard rewards her with another smirk. Tali finishes gathering her items before she says something even more embarrassing. "Goodnight, Shepard."

"Night, Tali," Shepard says playfully.

Tali returns to the crews' quarters, fumbling in the dark with her omni-tool as light. She passes Liara's bed and climbs into her own bed just one over. She thinks of Liara and Shepard kissing, seemingly unaware of the world around them. They made it look so easy. If only it were so easy, if only she could pull her helmet off and have people see her face, have someone touch her without the risk of it killing her.

It makes her feel so lonely. She thinks of Shepard's lips on Liara's and brings a hand to her lips. Her fingers graze the helmet. She bites her lip and closes her eyes, frustrated and depressed.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Gravity

The Normandy is splintering into pieces.

This is the worst nightmare a quarian can have on the Flotilla. Looking around, Tali can see that the terror isn't limited exclusively to quarians. There are explosions everywhere. In the Flotilla, this thought was always at the back of her mind. That's why the disconcerting silence often scared her; dead engines spell disaster waiting to happen.

Saren is barely gone. The Council has blown off Shepard and her warnings of the Reapers. After everything she has done, they still don't believe her, not even after she saved them. They've sent her out on geth clean up. Tali's stayed a little longer to help. Any geth material she can find will help. And if she can spend more time with Shepard… Not that Shepard feels as warmly to the geth clean-up assignment.

"I should have said to hell with them," Shepard told her angrily, leaving the Citadel after an angry confrontation with the Council.

Shepard…

An explosion calls her back to attention. Soldiers push past her, shouting orders. She walks calmly while others run. Maybe a check on the Normandy systems would—Engineer Adams takes tight hold of her arm. Where has he come from? She's in a fog. "We've got to move Tali, it's all coming down, everything's at critical. We have to gather everyone and go. Get to the emergency pods."

"You too," Tali swallows the lump in her throat. That's it then? The Normandy is lost? She walks, dizzily, the ship blasting, teetering, sending her violently to the side. She crashes into a hard wall, takes the stairs to the crew deck. Looks towards Shepard's cabin. Shepard rushes out; her normally unflappable expression tight and serious. "Shepard—"

Just seeing her reassures Tali. If Shepard is on the mission, then everything will be all right. Shepard stopped Saren, defeated a Reaper. A malfunctioning ship should not be a problem. But this is no malfunction. She checked the system status only minutes ago. Everything was green. She doesn't make mistakes. Engineer Adams doesn't make mistakes. This is something else.

"I don't know what's happening," Tali tells her.

"We're under attack," Shepard looks up when she hears a screaming of metal. Another explosion and they both go reeling. Shepard grabs hold of her at the last moment, using her body as a cushion as they slam into a hard steel wall. It passes but everything is shaking. Shepard's armor is hard. Tali wonders how much pain she'd be in if Shepard hadn't shielded her just now. "You all right?" Tali can see the cracks in the Normandy. She has never been so terrified. "Tali!" She blinks. Looks at Shepard's face. Nods numbly. "Get to the emergency pods. I don't want you around for this." She releases her and a giant chunk of the ceiling comes down, sending electrical wires every which way.

There are sparks, dangerous wires, everything is so bright it lights up her face. "What can I do? Let me help."

"Negative. I'll round up the rest of the crew. You didn't come all this way on your Pilgrimage to die on my ship."

"But Shepard—" A loud boom sends them both tumbling again. Oh, Keelah. This is bad. This is so bad. She wants to cry. She won't cry. This isn't the end. Shepard will take care of it. They won't lose the Normandy. They can't lose her or the crew. Not after everything.

Shepard goes to Tali, takes her firmly by the shoulders. "It will be okay, Tali. I promise. But you have to be a big girl now and follow my orders. Get to the emergency pods. _Now_. Understand? Nod and tell me you understand."

Tali stares at her. She's never seen Shepard look so tense. She nods again. "Yes, Captain." Shepard smiles and for a moment, Tali can believe everything is going to be all right. "Shepard—promise—promise, be careful. I'll meet you at the pods."

"You go ahead. I'll catch up. When this is all over, we'll have a drink."

"Aye, aye," she mutters nervously. Shepard gives her another smile. Then they separate. Shepard goes one way. Tali goes another, running past the mess hall, running towards the battery. There are soldiers shouting. There are people screaming. There are even dead bodies she has to step over, people she has known, good men and women. Oh, Keelah. Oh, Keelah, help them.

Amidst the smoke and the fire, there's fire everywhere now, she sees Shepard talking to Liara, no doubt having the same conversation with Liara that she just had with her. Liara leaves her side reluctantly and Tali watches as Shepard slips the helmet onto her head. For a moment she swears that they look at one another and then Shepard is gone.

Tali waits for some of the younger crewmembers to get into the pod (though she imagines she is one of the youngest) before stepping in, Liara slips in beside her. They are the last to board. There are a few other pods available, enough for Shepard and Joker. Where is Ashley? Wrex? Garrus? Hopefully they were smarter and left quickly. Tali glances at Liara. She is on the verge of tears, her blue eyes shimmering. They strap in and the pod blasts off, gaining distance from the Normandy.

Looking at it from afar makes it all the more agonizing. The Normandy is a burning star. Whatever attacking ship that is, Tali doesn't recognize it, but it dwarfs the Normandy, making it look more like a speck than one of the finest vessels to ever exist. The mysterious ship shoots a ray of burning light and the Normandy blasts apart.

Tali's eyes widen. The black of the skies and the stars are engulfed in flames. Shepard is still on there. No, no, no. Shepard grabbed Joker and got into an escape pod. Yes. Shepard would not survive what she has survived to die in a ship, to die without a battle. She wouldn't just break her promise.

Tali checks the news reports but finds no mention of Shepard. It is a terrible thing; worse than exile, it is as if Shepard has been wiped from existence. She sends messages to Ashley, to Wrex, to Garrus but they don't know any more than she does.

Tali tells herself that Shepard is all right. No news is good news. Without the Normandy she had nowhere to go. She hitched rides on vessels until she arrived at the Neema. Han'Gerrel is a friend of her father's and she isn't ready to return home yet. She presents the data to him, the one Shepard let her keep only months ago, after teasing and probing questions. Han'Gerrel accepts it. He'd be a fool not to. Any advantage they can have over the geth will be an asset. Her gift is a worthy one.

She's accepted into the ship, her new home. Tali'Zorah vas Neema. It will take her some time to get used to the name. She has only ever been Tali'Zorah nar Rayya. She gets her new suit, to reflect her entry into adulthood. The quarians aboard the Neema are friendly. That is something to be said about her people. Her Pilgrimage taught her that other races are not so accommodating and warm.

"I just sent word to your old man," Han'Gerrel tells her. "Who knew that his little girl would end up on the Neema?"

Tali smiles, as if he'll see her face if she doesn't, but cringes inwardly. She hadn't told her father what ship she'd planned to join. Honestly, she only wanted to talk to Shepard again before reconnecting with him. If she returned to the Rayya first and Shepard resurfaced—he'd make it very difficult for the both of them. "I'm just grateful to be aboard."

"We're happy to have you, Tali. You took down Saren Arterius and stopped a Reaper! You'll change the reputation of quarians everywhere!" He says enthusiastically. Normally he sounds bored or put out.

"Thank you," she says, "but Shepard did most of the work."

No one ever listens when she tells them that. It makes sense. They want someone to be proud of, someone to rally around. It isn't so bad—its good for her people to have something to be happy about, but she doesn't like it if it has to come at Shepard's expense. She would never want to take credit where it isn't due. Shepard hadn't let her go with her in the end, to confront Saren. Tali had been angry.

" _When will you understand that I'm not a child?"_

" _This is serious. I don't need to be worrying about you in the middle of a firefight. Some of this squad has been fighting since you were in diapers." Shepard told her, droll. Tali wanted to hit her. "You're good, kid, but this is above your pay grade. Stay. Here."_

Tali glared, oh had she. She wished Shepard could see it. But Shepard only touched her fingers lightly to her helmet, leaving Tali breathless, leaving her to imagine what they might feel like against her face, along the curve of her jaw.

Shepard left, turning and leaving her on the Normandy, delegating her to waiting, while Shepard protected her. Tali turned her attention to the Normandy systems, to the positions of the fleets, not wanting to be crippled by worry.

She sighs. Keelah. Where is Shepard?

She can't isolate herself and think about her. Being aboard a quarian vessel makes it impossible, even if she wanted to. Tali takes her time getting to know the ship. She meets other quarians and makes friends. She tells them about Shepard, how she acts, her quirks, how she fights in battle. A saucy quarian girl asks if Tali would link her suit with Shepard's. Tali face nearly melts away.

She checks the radio feeds, the extranet, the logs and still no word.

It's possible Shepard is on a top-secret op and hasn't bothered contacting her. She never talks to her mother, why bother with the quarian girl? Still… she worries. She fixes, she calibrates, she modifies and improves what she can. Shepard fills her thoughts. She's worried.

Weeks pass. Her heart jumps when she receives a message from Liara.

 _Meet me at Omega._

There's nothing else. The message is strangely efficient. Tali has never even heard of Omega. She finds where it is, takes a junker ship, a skeleton crew and goes.

Omega is a dirty place full of sketchy individuals. It's nowhere she wants to be. She isn't sure why Liara asked to meet her here. She goes into Afterlife, drawn by the heavy pounding base that leaves her feeling chilled and alone. She quickly grew accustomed to spending time with her people again, in cramped quarters, getting to know others. This looks like the kind of place you go to avoid connections, at least, any meaningful ones.

She watches the asari dancers glide along the poles, dip down into impossible positions. Men and women watch them, expressions thick with what she thinks is desire. She likes to dance but she wouldn't be one of these dancers, isn't sure that anyone would ever want to watch a quarian move that way. She isn't sure that her legs can bend like that.

A krogan smashes into her as he moves past and Tali glares at him as he moves along unapologetically. She wishes Wrex were here. As it is, she doesn't know where to start the search for Liara. Liara told her to come to Omega but nothing more. Afterlife was a bad idea. She recalls going to Flux on the Citadel and seeing Shepard take to the dance floor. Tali laughed—at least there are some things Shepard isn't good at. Shepard tried, in vain, to get Liara to dance with her. Liara complained of the volume and if she had ears, Tali is sure she would have covered them. The tired, worn down expression on Liara's face was a treat in itself. Tali had never seen anyone so put out.

" _I would like to get a copy of this to take back to the Flotilla!" Tali said loudly to Shepard who stood in the middle of a group of women, each dancing more ridiculously than the previous one. A turian enthusiast was Tali's favorite._

" _You like music?" Shepard shouted._

" _I like a lot of things!" Tali said. Shepard dragged her onto the dance floor, asking her to repeat herself. Tali lifted her face, close to Shepard's ear, fingers tentatively pushing her hair back. "I said I like a lot of things."_

" _Yeah?" Shepard remained close, the better to hear her. Her proximity nearly destroyed Tali. "Such as?"_

" _Um. Well. That is. Music. Music."_

 _Shepard smiled. "Let's go, before Liara gives me the silent treatment," and sauntered off the dance floor, leaving Tali behind._

Where is Shepard? Maybe—maybe she'll be with Liara? Tali hopes so. She'd like to see her. It would be wonderful to see her, even if she's being a complete bosh'tet and acting as if she hadn't just disappeared for weeks.

"Ah. There you are."

Tali turns. Liara stands in a black and white hardsuit, a pistol at her side. Any innocence in her face has long gone. How strange. She looks like another person altogether.

"I've been doing some checking up on everybody," Liara tells her in an indifferent way, moving to one of the more isolated regions of Omega, Tali behind her. "I know you've been worried about Shepard."

"Ah, well, yes." Tali stops at the railing, looking at the blood red skies, watching cars zip by like bullets. "It's been a few weeks." She sighs. "Though in some ways it feels as if it just happened. Seeing the Normandy go down that way was horrible. I still have nightmares about it."

"Have you?" Liara queries, considering her words as if to test their validity. "I haven't dreamt. Perhaps I've been too busy." Liara walks further along, trailing her fingers along the grimy railing that separates them from the endless sea of space. Her gloves come away black and dirty. "I remember looking at you when it happened. All I could see was the reflection of the burning Normandy on your mask."

Tali frowns. The Alliance soldiers were in shock. Some sobbed uncontrollably. Liara cried. What does Liara mean by saying such a thing? Is she trying to say that Tali didn't feel it?

"Anyway…" Liara says, "what I wanted to tell you couldn't be sent over a network and I have some business to attend to here. I don't have much time, however so I'll get straight to it. Shepard's dead, Tali. Move on."

"Wh— what?" The air has gone out of her. Is this a joke? "What do you mean? No, no, no. This is a joke of yours. No, a joke of hers. You don't tell jokes. Shepard?" she looks around, she must be here somewhere. She wouldn't die. Liara wouldn't tell her like this, as if she were reading off a casualty report, data, nothing significant. She looks at Liara's expression, steely and put together. "You're lying." She turns, looking in the shadows, looking at the people walking along. "Shepard!" she's desperate.

"Stop it."

"Why would you say such a thing?" Tali shoves her. Liara stumbles but only for a moment and then she's well put together again. "If Shepard is dead it would be all over the networks, all over the extranet! There's been nothing! Where is she? Where is she?" she demands loudly.

"In a box. You could fit her into a box. A small one." Liara sighs as if Tali were a terrible nuisance. "I thought you'd want to know." Tali looks at her helplessly, faint, as the tears run down her face. What is Liara seeing now? Her own blank expression? "Shepard always thought you were a little girl. She was right." She looks at her omni-tool and makes a few punches. "That's my cue. Goodbye, Tali'Zorah vas Neema. Don't hang on to this, to her. You won't be doing yourself any favors."

Tali grips the railing, hyperventilating, unable to sob as Liara leaves her. She settles to a sitting on the disgusting Omega floor, covering her face with her hands. Men and women walk past, ignoring her.

Tali retrieves supplies for the Flotilla, some crates of paste to eat and a good deal of scraps that she finds on Omega for next to nothing. She promises Han'Gerrell she would find supplies and she did. Anything to help the Neema or the Flotilla, is valuable, makes any trip worth it.

She delivers to Han'Gerrell a list of the supplies retrieved. Her voice sounds normal enough. With significant effort she can keep the shake from it but she can't manage any cheer. Tears are caked along her cheeks and neck.

Quarians are an open people, another thing they have little choice about. They can't see anyone's faces, can't tell their expressions. The only thing they have is body language, their voice, the openness of their words.

Tali doesn't want to share her sorrow with anyone. No one could possibly understand how much Shepard meant to her, not even if she was the Spectre who saved the galaxy. Even if Shepard was inappropriate and teased her, no one ever treated her so kindly. Maybe she babied her sometimes… ultimately, Tali wished that Shepard treated her more like an adult, like an equal—but in her own way, Shepard was trying to protect her.

Weren't they supposed to have a drink together? They'll never have that drink now.

 _You could fit her into a box. A small one._

Keelah. What was Shepard reduced to? Did Liara see her? Is that why she was that way? Broken? Not even a person anymore, made into some cold machine?

 _It will be okay, Tali. I promise._

"Shepard…" Tali heaves for breath before leaning into a wall, forcing herself to calm. "You liar."

The news of the Cerberus attack ripples through the Flotilla. There is not a soul she passes that isn't talking of the news. Golo, again! The bosh'tet isn't even worth a ship name. To have been exiled ten years ago for trying to sell young quarians to the Collectors is unforgivable enough—but to return to the Idenna after being shown mercy and to murder so much of the crew—all for the sake of what? Credits? For Cerberus? A terrorist organization that despises any race that isn't human?

As usual, Cerberus isn't above doing anything to further the human's cause. Tali doesn't know who Gillian Grayson is other than that she's a biotic. She thinks of Kaidan. From her understanding, human biotics are rare and are not comparably powerful to the asari. To kill off the majority of the crew of the Idenna, however, for some human biotic, to kill anyone for selfish reasons…

Tali has never hated anyone or anything. The geth are the closest she's come but even then she understands that the geth were fighting for survival. Cerberus isn't fighting for the survival of humanity. They're fighting for power at the expense of anyone else, damn those who stand in their way.

Shepard knew what a menace they were. Tali wishes someone would do something about them but no one else wants to acknowledge that they even exist. Were they really an Alliance black ops program? She can't take them out. She's only one quarian against an army of well-armed, well-funded soldiers, scientists, politicians? Who or what exactly is Cerberus? Besides an agent for chaos.

If Shepard were present the attack may have been stopped before the casualties reached the numbers they did. But the quarians have always been a self-sufficient people, taking care of their own matters. There's no use in thinking of Shepard. Shepard is dead. As painful as it is, Tali has accepted it.

Maybe if the quarians were better armed—no, no, not even then could they have taken the Cerberus agents down. What's worse is that the attack was so unexpected. The Flotilla isn't like the turian or human fleets, the batarians or the krogan. Their enemies consist of faulty wiring, ships that have taken too many beatings on their journey through the stars. Not groups or mercenaries specifically hunting them to get at something. They weren't prepared. They couldn't have been, even if they'd been given advanced warning.

What would Shepard do?

 _I'm not here to philosophize why they exist. I line up the shot and take it._

Tali smiles ruefully. Awful advice. Or maybe great advice. Next time she sees Cerberus, next time they think of interfering or hurting her people, she'll line up the shot, she'll take it.

Two years pass.

Shepard's death still isn't public knowledge. All they've done is replace her Alliance recruitment ads with some person she doesn't know. As if the Alliance can do better than Shepard. She tries not to be bitter about it. All she knows is that quarians would never be so disingenuous, would not just spit on the sacrifices made by a person and relegate them to nothing. She wonders what Shepard's mother thinks about it.

After all her talk of Shepard not contacting her mother, Tali hasn't seen much of her own father. She isn't sure whose fault that is and even taking the guess makes her feel guilty. Quarians are supposed to be more respectful, more reverent of family. Her father is an Admiral on the Rayya. He's a genius. It makes sense that he doesn't have time to return her messages or even make the meetings they arrange.

Tali accepts that he doesn't really care about her. She was always closer to her mother anyway. When she died, her father buried himself in work and politics, military strategy. He left her with Auntie Raan. She's the one who took care of her and listened to her cry.

Raan's voice always put her at ease and she never tires of telling her, just as Tali never tires of hearing it, how she synchronized suits with her mother, just to be there for her birth. When Tali found out about Shepard's death, it was Raan she visited. She never spoke of Shepard, not like she did before, but Raan's very presence was a comfort. Raan knew she was unhappy but she eventually stopped pressing.

Tali sighs thinking of her and stands from the small table she's been waiting at for hours now. Her father is not coming. If only he were as good at making their meetings as he is at pressing her to deliver whatever geth material she finds.

That's what the last two years has been. Raiding small geth outposts, officially to eliminate them—that's why Kal'Reeger goes, that's why Prazza, brash and stupid as he is, joins her. Unofficially she keeps returning pieces to him. He has become oddly specific in what he wants, recently. Tali does her best but some part of her feels that he is disappointed in her discretion. Tali doesn't want to think of what would happen and she was careless, she sent something that could spring to life.

She opens a message on her omni-tool: _I take it something important has come up. Don't worry—I'm used to being the Admiral's daughter by now. Let me know when you have some time and I'll meet you at a destination of your choice. Love – Tali. P.S. How were the last pieces I sent you?_

She receives a message back almost immediately. Tali brightens, hoping her father is on his way and she only need wait a few minutes more. The message pops open. Freedom's Progress has gone offline. Tali frowns. Veetor's there. Sweet, nervous, skittish Veetor. How does a human colony just go offline?

She fires off a message back, leaving the small restaurant, her father forgotten.

 _What do we know?_

Freedom's Progress scares her. This is a colony of nearly a million people and there is no one in sight. What has happened here? What could have cut communication off so thoroughly? She has heard of human colonies disappearing. Is that what happened here? How are they disappearing? Where are they going?

Where is Veetor? Here somewhere. She has tracked him to a warehouse and now he's armed all the mechs on the premises. Fantastic. Poor Veetor. He must have been terrified to do that. They need to find a way to bypass the security he has set up. He's always been fragile. She's sent another small team of quarians ahead to alert her of any changes in the situation.

"We should go ahead," Prazza tells the two other quarians, Lazia vas Neema, Rilos vas Neema, "we don't have time to play with encryptions. Whatever he set up, we'll get through it."

"No way," Tali says sharply, looking away from the security board. "We've come too far to screw this up with recklessness. I know how you like to go in guns blasting but this isn't like fighting geth. Veetor's counting on us." Prazza's eyes narrow on her. The others look impatient. "In case any of you have forgotten, I'm the one with the most field experience and I'm in charge."

This wouldn't be a problem with Kal'Reegar. She told him not to come, that this would be a routine investigation, likely ending quickly and peacefully, now she's not so sure. Kal'Reegar is a good marine to have at her side. A fantastic soldier, thoughtful in battle, never one to fight recklessly. He's also too polite to her; she's unsure if he's intimidated by her father or by the legend that the quarians have made of her. It's sweet but she wishes he'd let his guard down around her. She's not so intimidating, is she?

Lazia peers out the window, looking to the sky. "Someone's landed. A shuttle."

"A shuttle…?" Tali doesn't know who could be here. Maybe the Alliance has sent out a reconnaissance team. "Keep an eye on it. Prazza, Rilos, guard the entrances. I'm going to keep working on an override. The faster we can get Veetor out of here, the better. "

"Yes, ma'am," Prazza grunts.

She glowers at him. She can tell he wants to belt her one. Hotheaded quarians like that are the reasons so few of them come back from ops. Tali returns her attention to overriding the security protocols Veetor has put into place.

"Three headed this way," Rilos says.

"No blind shooting," Tali warns, "nothing happens until I give the word, understood?" Rilos and Lazia nod but Prazza says nothing. "Prazza, have you gone deaf? I asked if you heard what I said?"

"Yes," he says through gritted teeth.

"Good. Soldiers who can't follow orders don't live very long." _Except Shepa…_ She swallows the sharp sting of pain that coils around her unexpectedly from time to time, always blindsiding her. Tali hears the lifting of weapons as the door to the building hisses open. The shouts of Cerberus are in the air before Tali can even stand. So, Cerberus is here, too. But no, they can't start a firefight, not while Veetor is still here. Prazza is rushing forward, assault rifle at the ready, the others following his lead. No doubt they resent how quickly she rose in position through the Neema but she won't be soft and make bad decisions just to be popular. She stands agitatedly, glaring at the group, "Prazza, you said you'd let me handle this."

She turns to the group. Cerberus agents. Two of them she doesn't recognize, the stunning woman with cold eyes, the man, handsome, warmer but still Cerberus. Not to be trusted. The last. Her breath catches in her throat. Her lips move soundlessly. Not that anyone can see, can know the shock she's in, the sudden weakness in her limbs. "Shepard…?"

Prazza and the rest of the squad have been wiped out. The objective was to retrieve Veetor—she will be able to return him to the Migrant Fleet but the loss of her squad weighs on her. Their blood has soaked into the ground of the colony. Enough waiting. She doesn't want to leave Veetor with Cerberus for a moment longer, even if Shepard is inexplicably with them.

Tali walks into the dark cabin. The monitors display snow. One has gone black. She spots a bullet hole and looks at Shepard who smiles as if she's been caught in the midst of mischief. The bastards are trying to take Veetor back with them. Shepard thankfully sides with her. If she hadn't, if she'd let them take Veetor… She doesn't want to think of it.

Shepard has signaled for pickup. Tali ignores her as best as she can. Veetor is the focus and he needs her now. She goes to him; he's taken a seat on the chair again, head in his hands, rocking back and forth. "We'll have you back to the Flotilla soon, Veetor. Then this nightmare will be over."

"The swarms, the swarms," he mutters, "they took everybody, everybody."

"It doesn't matter now. You're safe." But it does matter and if Shepard is here and she's worried, it's unlikely that anything will stay safe much longer.

Jacob and Miranda (as Shepard has introduced them) look bored and irritated by her. She leaves the cabin with Shepard alongside of her, feeling as if she's in a dream or some bizarre nightmare. Snow falls slowly, clouding her facemask. She sighs.

"Figure you'd be looking more at me than at that cabin," Shepard tells her.

"Sorry, Shepard—but I'm not comfortable with leaving Veetor with those people, even if it's only for a few minutes."

Shepard barks out their names. They come to the entry of the building. "Go wait for extraction at the landing zone."

"You've got it, Commander," Jacob dutifully says, walking past them. Tali glares at him. Miranda rewards she and Shepard with a roll of her eyes.

Tali knows next to nothing about Miranda but she doesn't like her attitude, her superiority, how cavalier she is about an attack that killed too many of her people by an organization she is proudly involved in. "I cannot believe this Shepard. I cannot believe that you are working for Cerberus. You know what they've done. You've seen it first hand and you would still take their hand. Don't you know that they're tricking you?"

"I don't trust them, Tali. I know you're worried. This is greater than our past history with them," Shepard says dogmatically. How infuriating. As if Cerberus' attack on the Flotilla was so long ago! "The Collectors are kidnapping human colonies. Christ, they took this one." Tali doesn't know who Christ is. "Cerberus is the only one willing to do anything about it. Sometimes the ends justify the means."

"If you're saying something like that, then I'm really worried."

"It's always been my policy," Shepard tells her sharply.

Has it? Butcher of Torfan. Maybe Shepard's right. Maybe Tali only romanticized her. Oh, what a stupid girl she was! "That woman would have had you beat Veetor and drag him back to Cerberus. The only thing Cerberus cares about is Cerberus."

"Miranda's a bitch, no question. Great ass, though." Her eyes twinkle brightly. "She's earned the right to be a little cocky." Shepard tells Tali as if she wants to hear it. It doesn't matter. "Jacob's ex-Alliance but he's still Cerberus. This is why I need someone I can trust with me."

Yes. That's what Shepard mentioned before. Weeks ago Tali would have jumped at the chance. Even hours ago. Things aren't so simple anymore. It can't just be about what she wants. Going with her would be a betrayal to her people. They wouldn't understand that she was working for Shepard, not Cerberus. Not without convincing. "No way, Shepard. Not while you're with Cerberus. I never thought I'd see the day when you stood by them."

"You're pissed. I get it."

"You say you get it but I don't think you do." If she really understood could she dismiss everything so easily?

"Can't you just let me be happy to see you?" Shepard snaps. Tali looks at her. "This hasn't been easy for me. Two years have passed. Everything's gone to hell while I've been laid out flat on an operating table." Tali frowns gently, taking a seat next to Shepard on a cold, oversized crate. "For everyone else it's been two years but for me it's been weeks." There's a long moment. "Highlight so far has been hearing you bark orders to your squad. You're one hell of a spitfire."

"Maybe I had a pain in the ass commander for inspiration." Tali hesitates. It's so easy to be drawn back into conversation with Shepard. She still looks and sounds like Shepard. But she's missing scars. From her eyebrow, from her chin. They've been wiped away. Tali almost lifts her hand to touch her face but it isn't as if it'd feel any differently beneath her gloved hand. "They'd still be alive if they'd listened."

"You did what you could. I can't believe how different you are."

Tali smiles wryly. "Oh, you can tell, can you?" How? She's never seen her face. Is she taller?

"Sure I can. The way you carry yourself. You're talking back, that's something else. The last time I saw you, you were a girl. Now you've got a new suit, now…" There's a beat. "I die and you grow up. Circle of life?" she smirks.

Tali doesn't know what to say. She wonders if Shepard has remembered quarian tradition or if she's… no. No, she isn't doing that second thing. She'd be fooling herself if she thought that for a moment. Anyway, Shepard is with Cerberus now. As much as Tali may want to go with her she can't allow it. And she still has work to do. "Have you seen any of the others?" she asks.

She shakes her head. "I was going to ask you."

"Nobody since…" she takes a breath. "Since everything. There was Liara," she admits. "She's the one who told me about… about you…" she curls her fingers.

"The ship blowing to pieces didn't give it away?" Shepard asks lightly. Tali doesn't respond. How did Joker, who shatters upon taking a step, survive when Shepard didn't? "How's Liara?"

"Different." Terrifying. Is Shepard in love with her? Was she ever? Tali doesn't want to talk about her. "Anyway… as much as I'd like to stay and talk, I have to go. Veetor needs medical attention. I called for pick-up. They'll be here any minute and I'd prefer that they didn't have to deal with Cerberus operatives when they arrive. Unfortunately that now includes you."

"Isn't there any way I could change your mind?" Shepard asks. "Come on, my adventures are more fun than the Flotilla ones. They've gotta be. I have booze."

She acts like the same Shepard. Never taking anything seriously. "Even if that's true, Shepard…" she bites her tongue. She sees what she can only presume is the Cerberus shuttle sweeping in for pickup. "There are certain things that are expected of me. I can't run away from them just because you've asked."

"This was easier when I was your captain."

"Yes, but you aren't anymore." She begins to return to Veetor.

Shepard looks after her, her expression somewhat vexed and frustrated, the petulant child who didn't get to steal the toy she wanted. "I can be stubborn too, Tali'Zorah. You're going to be a part of my crew again, even if I have to kidnap you and throw you onboard until you change your mind."

"Then maybe Cerberus suits you," Tali says sharply. She has responded too vehemently to something that had clearly been a joke.

Shepard's features soften until the only indication of an expression on her face is the line along her brow, contemplative or sad, angry, she isn't sure. Tali wonders if she's terrible at reading faces. "I'm real sorry that my getting spaced was inconvenient for you."

Tali pales and goes cold. Keelah, that is not what she meant. She takes a breath. "Shepard. Don't get the wrong idea. No matter what happened here tonight—seeing you again…alive… is the happiest moment I've had in two years."

Shepard smirks faintly. "Me too." Snow blows through the air, settling on Shepard's hair and armor. She looks at Tali. "Promise me you'll be careful?"

Tali shakes her head. "Promises between people like us are dangerous things."

She looks at Tali, jaw tightening before bringing her fingers to her earpiece and turning away. "I'm heading your way. Prepare to evacuate."

Tali looks away from her before the snow takes her, before she is swallowed again before her eyes. Cerberus is here and Shepard is working for them. So much for lining up and taking the shot.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Elusive

The new Normandy is a clinical, barren ship, lacking the warmth and intimacy of its first incarnation. The retrofitting and modifications are impressive but she's no longer so naive to sweep things under the carpet just because Shepard says that things are under control. Shepard can't even control her hands. Tali has seen them not once, not twice but three times already, firmly situated on Miranda's ass. If there's one thing Shepard isn't, it's discreet.

It isn't that she's jealous (maybe some part of her is). She can't wrap her head around Shepard choosing to involve herself with a woman who's the pet of the Cerberus head, the so-called Illusive Man. Does Shepard think? Sometimes Tali wonders. She misses the days when she thought Shepard capable of making only right, capable decisions.

What's so great about Miranda, anyway? Jack is a better biotic (and a loose cannon) and the very reason to not trust Cerberus. She should let it go, maybe, but it's hard. Disappointment doesn't settle well with her. How can she be disappointed in Shepard? The very thought bothers her.

She shouldn't be onboard the new Normandy but Shepard did save her— and if they don't stop the Collectors things will go from bad to worse. Harbinger is fixated on Shepard. The Collectors killed her once. Tali is happy to come along for some payback. A small part of her likes to think that Shepard needs her, that she can help watch out for her, the way Shepard watched for her two years ago, the way she saved her on Freedom's Progress and Haestrom. Maybe Shepard hasn't changed completely.

"Do you think they know how much you stare at them?" Kasumi asks. Tali blinks. "You wear a helmet but you're not exactly subtle."

"Neither are they," Tali says. Shepard leans into Miranda's door. Miranda wears a haughty smile but they stand indecently close to one another.

Shepard told her she needed her here beside her, someone to watch her back while she what, watched Miranda's? That wasn't part of the deal. What deal, she asks herself. When was the last time Shepard made any deals? Every one Tali has seen Shepard make, she has broken. It took her months to join the Normandy SR-2. Maybe that's all the time Miranda needed. Is Miranda tricking Shepard?

Tali looks away from them and to her data pad.

"Her breasts are pretty amazing," Kasumi comments, as if sizing up a fine work of art. Tali hates that she agrees. "All that money her father poured into her was well worth it."

"She's got a doting father, too?" Tali scowls. Some people have all the luck. The looks, the brains, the power, love and Shepard.

"What's your father like?"

Absent. "Very dedicated." It isn't a lie. He is. In some ways, his dedication even encompasses her. Is Shepard dedicated to anything? Anyone? Saving the galaxy, sure, but anything else? Shepard glances in her direction. Tali can't hear what she's saying but she looks at her, a slow sensual smile on her lips as she talks. Tali feels her face foolishly heating, no matter how she wills it not to. That smile isn't for her. Miranda leans into Shepard, whispers something. Shepard's hand lights near Miranda's ass again before Miranda promptly removes it. Shepard's smile makes it clear that she knows she's misbehaving.

"You're better than that," Kasumi says. "Warm and sweet beats out icy Cerberus bitch any day. And have you seen your hips?" Kasumi traces Tali's figure in the air. "You're right to flaunt it. Shepard can't miss them."

Tali swears her face masks fogs up from embarrassment. "Cut it out," she mutters, stepping back. "And don't go around saying stuff like that," she rambles, talking much too quickly. "Shepard and I are friends. That's all. I don't want you to think— I don't want her to think—That is... I have to go."

She leaves the mess hall, happy to return to Donnelly and Gabby and leave Shepard and any more stomach turning visuals behind. She's had enough of Miranda's suspicious gazes. She continues to work on disabling the cameras Cerberus has installed. She won't be spied on by Cerberus, she won't be used to unknowingly betray her people.

* * *

Miranda is there when she turns around. Shepard is too, sitting on the rails around the engineering floor, legs swinging lethargically. Tali doesn't immediately notice her, too focused on the woman in the skintight clothing that leaves little to the imagination. Is this how all Cerberus officers dress? "What is it?" Tali asks, not bothering to sound patient.

"Oh, nothing. Except your apparent attempts at sabotage aboard this vessel. When you joined us you did so at the behest of Shepard. You two have a history, I get that." She's always patronizing, so damn patronizing. Tali crosses her arms, cocking her head, waiting. "But that doesn't give you the right to interfere with Normandy systems."

"All I've done since coming aboard the Normandy is make improvements. The systems are running faster than before. I would _never_ commit sabotage aboard a vessel I'm serving on. I wouldn't do that to the crew and I wouldn't do that to Shepard. I'm not Cerberus." Tali says. Miranda steps back slightly, the sardonic smile on her face tightening. "I know what you're here about. You're here about your spy cameras. What I've disabled won't affect Normandy security. It will, however, ensure my safety and that of the Flotilla."

Miranda glares. "You have a lot of nerve." She whips her head to the side to look at Shepard who looks terribly entertained by the interaction. "Shepard, will you talk some sense into her? You're the one who brought her aboard, over my clearly valid objections."

Shepard shrugs, jumping down from the rails she's sitting on. "She sounds like she's making plenty of sense to me, Miranda. Don't bother reactivating the cameras, by the way. She'll just find a way to take them down again. Tali's a bit of a genius."

"I brought you back from the dead," Miranda retorts, pointing out that she's clearly smarter. What a bitch.

"I know. And I appreciate it," Shepard kisses her, full on the lips.

Tali shuffles and looks away, wishing she could leave them to do whatever it is that they do, that they can do. Miranda notices and looks between the two of them before smirking gently at Tali. "Fine. Disable the cameras. You're just one quarian and you're both too stubborn to bother fighting with. But if you do anything that could interfere with the mission, believe me—"

"It won't happen," Tali cuts her off, "so why don't you save your breath and get going?"

Miranda looks to Shepard and back to Tali, glowering before leaving. Tali looks at Gabby and Kenneth who've watched the entire interaction, their eyebrows up so high they nearly reach their hairline. Tali lifts her fingers to her forehead before lowering them back at her side. She hates who she becomes around that woman. The last thing she needs is for Gabby and Kenneth to think she's a bitch. They're fantastic engineers, nice and funny. She doesn't want to be a lesser person. She isn't that person but she doesn't like Cerberus, she doesn't want to be spied on and that Miranda woman makes her blood boil.

Shepard whistles. "Uh, oh. She's pissed." She grins, cocks her head, moving towards the drive core, indicating Tali follow her. Tali does, her fingers curling. She flattens them, and grips the railing, looking at the drive core. "Thanks to you, I might get a spanking later." There's a beat. "Thanks, I've been trying to get her to play along." Tali's eyes settle on her, narrowing to slits. "You know… I could swear you gave me a shitty look just now."

"I'm glad this is all a game to you, Shepard. You know, when they talk about people climbing into bed with their enemies, the expression isn't meant to be taken literally."

Shepard scoffs. "What do you care?"

Tali bites her lip. "I don't!" Yes, she does. Damn it, she does but not because she's jealous, not only because she's jealous. She's better than that. Furthermore, she never thought Shepard could ever be hers. She's a quarian, for Keelah's sake. A stray touch might kill her. It's only, that the savior of the galaxy has better options. Why settle for someone like Miranda? "What about Liara?"

"Eh," she waves her away. "Saw on her Illium not long ago. She made Miranda look like a geisha. I kind of liked it, mind you," she says distractedly, "but she couldn't even be bothered to have a conversation. Did have me run a few jobs for her, though."

Tali shakes her head. So she's moved on from Liara, then. She isn't sure that she can blame Shepard but better Liara (she thinks), then Miranda. "You can do better than the enemy."

Shepard laughs. "You sure about that?" She leans into the railing, the blue light washing over her, making her look like somebody else. Tali stares. She hates that she can do this without being called on it. It makes it easy to develop bad habits. "Miranda was created to be perfect. She is. God, she's beautiful." Tali's stomach turns. She tells herself it's not Shepard's fault. It's not as if Shepard knows how she tortures her when she talks so casually about her lovers. "Turned out all right for a lab rat. That's what daddy turned her into. Don't mind all her attitude. I know how she comes across but you're more confident than she could ever be."

Tali blinks. Is that true? Here Shepard is again, surprising her. She can definitely be a bosh'tet but she cares about her crew, even if she's screwing them. Tali can hear it in her voice. "I think you've lost your mind."

"People look at her and all they see is tits and ass, that pretty face. They don't bother looking further. People look at you…" she scans her. Tali freezes, nervously, not wanting to hear what she has to say, wishing she could shut her up. She's seen vids where people kiss their partners into silence. That will never be an option for her. "You're not so easy to pin down." She smirks faintly. Tali's heart lodges in her throat. "You gave Donnelly and Daniels one hell of a show, by the way. They probably thought you were a good girl."

"I am."

"Maybe you only misbehave every once in a while."

Tali smiles. "You're a bosh'tet."

"You know it." She looks at her. "How are you doing? Miranda's pissing you off. So's EDI. So's Jacob. So am I, more often than not." Tali laughs. Yes. Shepard does have a talent for it. "But you haven't had much time to settle since Haestrom. How are you doing?"

Tali frowns thinking of the mission. What a disaster. She did as the admiralty board asked and for what? Were the lives of all those marines worth it? The lives of her friends? She doesn't know. She doesn't think so. Maybe she's selfish. Maybe she hates that they all died under her watch. "I'm alive and they're not so all things considered, I'm doing well." She shakes her head. "I'm not meant for command. I don't know how you do it, Shepard."

"They sent you into an impossible situation and they knew it. You came out on the other side. God, Tali. Do you have any idea how many soldiers I've had die under my command?" She shakes her head. "It's never easy. But losing soldiers doesn't make you a bad leader. Not always, anyway. I know you. You'd never throw lives away to prove a point." Shepard's eyes narrow thoughtfully and for an instant, her fingers come to her forehead. There's a scar there. In the darkness Shepard's eyes have a hint of red to them. Is she thinking of Torfan? Is she thinking of past mistakes? Tali never thought Shepard could be vulnerable. She touches a hand to Shepard's shoulder. Shepard lifts her face to look at her. They remain that way for who knows how long before Tali lets her hand slide away. "That Kal'Reeger guy looks like one hell of a soldier."

She nods. "He is. Thanks again for saving him." She's already spent too many nights writing letters to the families of the lost, fighting back tears as she's written draft after draft after draft. There's nothing she can say that would make it right. They're dead. Words won't heal it. Writing a letter for Kal'Reeger's family would break her.

"He was willing to throw his life away if it meant a chance for you."

"No, not for me. For the data, for the squad and for the Flotilla."

"You sure about that? Sounds to me like he thinks you're one hell of a girl."

Tali smiles. "Well, maybe I am?" Shepard grins. "Anyway, I don't know what you're getting at but Kal'Reeger is a friend. Even if I wanted more, and I haven't," she adds hastily, more to prevent her own embarrassment before it rises and begins to make her stammer, "he's too much of a gentleman to try anything. He still calls me 'ma'am' and stands up straight when I walk in."

"I've seen the way you talk to your soldiers—I'd stand up straight too."

"Ah hah, as if you're one to follow orders and protocol. I'm glad you're not a soldier of mine, Shepard. You'd be a pain in the ass."

"You'd ask me to go wait on the ship?"

"Yes, like a good girl," she says with another laugh, "but I'm happy to be here for you. I may not like Cerberus or this mission but I'll be here for you, as long as you need me. I've got your back Shepard, no matter what."

"Thanks. I know this is hard for you. I know you don't trust them. I know you don't entirely trust me."

"I'm not here for them. I'm here for you. And maybe when this is all over I'll load this vessel up with grenades—but in the meantime, I trust you. And you can trust me."

Shepard straightens up. Tali wishes she wouldn't wear the Cerberus uniform, the fatigues, looking so at ease. Tali wonders if she wears the uniform with a sense of irony or if she really doesn't give it any attention at all. Maybe being a quarian makes her obsess more over fashion details than it would any other. Shepard takes hold of the railing and slides closer to her. Tali looks around, behind her, trying to see what Shepard may be trying to get at but can identify nothing. "What is it?" Tali asks.

She's backed into the railing now, pinned into a triangular corner by Shepard, whose hands rest to either side of her. It would be easy to circle her arms around her waist but that's all she could do, frustrate herself with impossibilities. Anyway, Shepard has had Liara and now Miranda. What could she want with her? Their skin would never be able to touch. Shepard is into casual contact—something Tali could never consider, even if she wanted to. Unless she was looking to sign her own death warrant.

Shepard dips her face close to hers, her voice low. "You know, sometimes I wish I could see your face when you speak to me. Look at me." Tali's heart beats frantically. She can't take a breath. It occurs to Tali that she always sees Shepard through a haze, through her facemask. What would it be like to see her as she is, the brightness of her eyes, the exact shade of her lips? Damn it, they need to retake Rannoch. They need a homeworld. Living in suits is too difficult. Maybe if she'd never been exposed to this other world where affection is so standardized, so common she wouldn't be so frustrated. How have her people survived for so long? How do they bear it? Do they forget how easy it is for anyone who isn't them? Do they force themselves not to think of it? Thoughts race through her mind and finally she can't hold her breath anymore. She exhales sharply. Shepard allows some space between them. Tali closes her eyes briefly, mourning that small space, the gulf of all the skies. "Sorry. That was probably rude."

"I ah—no, it's okay," she says shakily. "Since when do you care about being rude?"

"I care when it matters." She pulls back, narrowing her eyes and looking away, the blue of the drive core washing over her. She's beautiful. It's the first time Tali has realized it and it alarms her. She doesn't want the knowledge that makes her more unattainable. "I'll leave you to your sabotage, Tali'Zorah."

Tali watches Shepard's frame, tall and athletic, certain, move away from her.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Homeworld

Tali's never been to Illium. One of the perks of traveling with Shepard is that it often gets her access to places where quarians aren't typically welcome. She wonders what might have happened if she'd ended up here on her Pilgrimage years ago. Ended up in a slave contract for who knows how long? She might have never found out about Saren and the Reapers. She would have never met Shepard.

The Eternity Club is a nice venue though the music is a little sedated for Tali's tastes. Shepard leans into the bar, chatting up an asari matriarch, now and then turning her attention to the asari dancing on a table for a bachelor party.

"Wow, she's really flexible," Kasumi comments, watching the dancer appreciatively. "If I ever needed back-up on a heist she'd be great for getting through those laser security systems. Looks like Shepard agrees. Maybe we should get you one of those outfits the dancers wear. You could put on your own private show for her. Be her private dancer?"

Tali is too occupied sputtering to immediately speak. "Will you stop? I could never—I don't." She looks at the dancer and towards Shepard who winks at her before looking away. Her heart stops. Dancing for Shepard in that way! Tali twines her hands. "One of these days she's going to hear you."

"Good! She could stand to not be so oblivious. Do you really think she'd be chasing so much ass if she knew you were an option?" Kasumi moves over to the bar to order some drinks, handing one over to her. "Don't worry, it's turian, it won't kill you." She plucks a bright pink straw into her own drink and has a long drink.

"You're wrong. Shepard is…tactile. And she thinks I'm just a little quarian girl." Tali leans into the bar, sighing softly, she has a drink of the green and purple concoction. It's a little bitter, making her eyes sting. She drinks quicker. "Touching her would probably kill me." But what a way to go. She smiles wryly at her own foolishness.

"Don't say that. I'm sure there's a way. I'll do a little research. Ooh, why don't I talk to Mordin for you?"

"Please don't. Miranda spies on _everything_. She already hates me."

"The feeling is mutual, isn't it?" Kasumi asks.

Tali looks at her. "You spy on everything, too." She doesn't exactly _hate_ Miranda. It's only that she can't stand her. She sighs. "Anyway, the last thing I'm going to do is move in on someone who is taken and clearly has no interest." She finishes the drink in record time and stabs the straw into the remaining ice, her face flush from the alcohol.

"But you're in love with her and I'm a sucker for a good love story!" Kasumi says. Tali clutches the drink glass so tightly she's afraid she'll shatter it. No. No, no, no. She isn't in love with Shepard. Keelah. That would be the worst thing she could do—falling in love with the bosh'tet who likes casual sex and dislikes commitment. Oh, Keelah and she's a virgin, what could Shepard ever want with her? She's mortified the more she thinks of it. "Come on, indulge me. I don't have as many projects since I've been on the Normandy and I'm bored."

"I'm not going to risk my life to entertain you." Nor is she willing to risk her heart. Whatever she may feel for Shepard, as long as she doesn't allow herself to dwell on it or speak of it, she can pretend it isn't there. Shepard has Miranda. That's a good enough reason to not fool herself into thinking she could have a future with Shepard.

"But you will risk your life for Shepard and you have, over and over again. Oh, yeah, I read up on your history. It's really great." She smiles and leans close. "By the way, Shepard is checking out your ass right now. Thought you'd want to know."

"What?" she yelps, alarming several of the patrons and earning a dirty look from the asari matriarch. Her eyes lock with Shepard's, who immediately looks away.

"Told you." Kasumi says.

Tali can't speak.

"Excuse me, human? Private con-ver-sa-ti-on? Ugh."

Shepard lifts her hands and walks away from the turian and quarian. Tali laughs and walks alongside of her as they leave the Eternity Club. "Looks like some people aren't so impressed with the great Commander Shepard," Tali tells her, finding it somewhat ironic and discomforting that she isn't one of them.

"That poor turian is locked firmly in the friend zone," Shepard tells Tali.

"Maybe she didn't realize?" Tali suggests. She pities the poor turian, trying so desperately for the affections of the quarian woman, making his subtle suggestions. He's as hopeless as she is around Shepard. At least she knows better than to try to subtly ask Shepard to join her for walks or romantic movies. They can't even go to the same restaurants.

"Oh, she knew." They look at one another and away. Kasumi literally disappeared from Tali's side minutes ago. For all Tali knows she's somewhere close—or maybe she has gone to explore. Shepard and Tali reluctantly joined one another, both pretending that any admiring of assets had not happened. "So," Shepard starts casually, "Nerve-stim pro, eh? The standard for any responsible adult quarian? You have one of those?"

"Shepard!" She flushes. No. She doesn't have one of those. She isn't irresponsible. She just hasn't. Though now—she is awful curious. It _is_ the responsibility of a responsible adult quarian. Oh, Keelah. She's allowed too much time to pass in silence. "That's none of your business!"

"Just idle curiosity, Tali."

"Forget it," Tali snaps. "There are some things you shouldn't be curious about." Who does Shepard think she is to ask her things like that? Sure, maybe it's something she'd discuss with other girls on the Flotilla but this is Shepard… Is she trying to humiliate her?

"Maybe. Doesn't mean it works that way." They exit to the market area of Illium, moving over to the railing and gazing out at the skies. Illium is a beautiful world with beautiful architecture. It would be nice to have a homeworld. She wouldn't care if it was in pieces, as long as she could remove her mask, remove her suit without fear of death. Maybe be close to someone. "Quarians date humans often?"

"No, not often. Surely you spied that part of the conversation about cross-species fluid contact." If she ever forgets why she and Shepard would be a bad idea (aside from the obvious impossibility) that will be a solid reminder.

"What about turians?"

"That's not as difficult. Why? Are you trying to set me up with Garrus?" She laughs. Garrus. She has nothing in common with him. They barely talk.

"You and Garrus?" She smirks. "Sorry, wasn't on my to-do list."

"I didn't know you had one of those." Tali smiles. That would require some kind of planning. Shepard prefers to take things as they come and figure things out on the fly. The Collectors are a different matter altogether but she has never seen Shepard worry about the small details. "How are things with Miranda?"

"All right," she says distractedly. "She's been giving me the cold shoulder ever since I took Jack's side in an argument."

"I'm sure things will settle down and she'll get over it." Tali heard about the argument. She thinks Shepard made the right decision. It has nothing to do with standing against Miranda—it's about standing against Cerberus. Excusing their past behavior is unforgivable and she worries about what message it would send to Jack who is unstable enough as it is.

"Maybe. Not too worried about it. I can't say that I miss her. I'm not going to waste my time kissing her or Cerberus' ass. Not to get back into her pants, anyway."

Tali won't read too much into her words. "Maybe she misses you."

"Doubtful. Sometimes a fuck is just a fuck. Or two or three or twenty."

Tali bows her head, narrowing her eyes. She worries for Liara and for Miranda and the trail of women that Shepard may leave with broken hearts. Does Shepard intentionally go after cold women? Or does she leave them that way in her wake? A fuck is a fuck. What would she know about that? Nothing. She's never kissed anyone. She can't imagine living that way, nor wanting to live that way. "Don't you care about anybody, Shepard?"

Shepard squares her jaw, eyebrows narrowing. "You don't get it."

"I don't? Why? Because I'm stuck in this suit? Because I'm some kid?"

"Don't put words into my mouth." Her eyes have that red-hue to them again, shining in the darkness. There are slivers of bright orange visible beneath her skin. Tali wonders if she ought to be intimidated but she isn't. "I know it's different for quarians. Humans and asari aren't so limited."

"Limited?" she asks heatedly.

"We can do trial runs. Sometimes things don't work out. It isn't a risk. It doesn't have to be such a damned commitment."

"You make it sound as if you've tried. With Liara you didn't like her attitude and you let her go. She really cared about you, Shepard. I don't know about Miranda. Truthfully, in the beginning I thought she was only sleeping with you to control you," she says. Shepard scoffs, "but maybe I wasn't giving either of you enough credit for your actions. From my perspective, it looks as if a small bump comes along and you use it as an excuse to not bother anymore."

"I never expected you to be team Miranda."

"I'm not! But Shepard—Keelah, I just worry about you."

"Don't," she says sharply.

"You once told me that you don't deserve better than an enemy. That isn't true. But you're never going to be close to anyone if you don't allow yourself to care or open up. I can't imagine how lonely you must be when you keep everyone at a distance. Your life is difficult enough. It would be beneficial to have someone beside you."

"This from a quarian? Unbelievable." She shakes her head. "I don't have time for this. Go back to the ship and send Zaeed out. I don't need you on this mission talking my ear off about how to lead my life, telling me how to feel."

Hot tears of rage sting Tali's eyes. "You really can be a bosh'tet," she pulls away from the railing. "Fine. Get rid of me when I say something you don't like. And you say that I act like a child." She glowers, returning to the ship.

"I don't think she meant it," Kasumi tells her, when Tali visits, legs folded under her. "You should have seen her when you went. Pacing and tearing her hand through her hair. It wasn't pretty. And you should have seen her when we were on the mission. Vicious! She made Zaeed look like a boy scout. Scary."

"I don't want to talk about her," Tali fires back, trying to get an email out to Kal'Reeger. It's been too long since she's communicated with him—she has no one to blame but herself. He's sent her several emails. "All we do is talk about her. It's pointless."

"I think she likes you." Kasumi says. Tali shoots her a look. "Hear me out. With Liara and Miranda she blows them off and instantly forgets them. But arguments with you really bother her."

"You're reading too much into it. She's just not used to having someone talk back."

"I took a picture of her when I had her go with me after Hock." She pulls a picture up on her omni-tool of Shepard in a dress. "I told her she should wear it around the ship but she told me to get stuffed."

Tali looks at the picture, Shepard's expression hard but eyes vibrant, striking.

Tali paces in front of Shepard's cabin door. They returned hours ago from the Collector ship. The Illusive Man set them up, the bastard. Not a surprise but to risk Shepard, to risk them and the mission for data? It's too much like Haestrom again. Shepard shouted, her voice spiking brutally.

When it was over she exited the conference room, a hand to her side, coming away red before falling over. Chakwas assured Tali she's fine. To bring her some chicken soup. Now she's in her cabin. Tali doesn't know what chicken soup is but was given a can by Gardner, which Tali plopped into a bowl and carries with her.

She doesn't know why this would comfort anybody but it's worth a try. Truthfully she feels guilty for not having spoken more than a few words to Shepard in days. Shepard hasn't asked her to come on any missions and Tali hasn't known what to say to her. So now she has a bowl of whatever chicken soup is.

She knocks on the door, hears a muffled response granting entry. She enters. Shepard's room is large. And dark. There's a fish tank with various fish swimming through it. Some are bright and lively, others glide through lazily. Shepard once told her that Kelly feeds them 'just cause' but Tali thinks it's because Kelly is desperately eager to get into Shepard's bed.

Shepard is propped on the bed in sweat pants and a tank-top. Her abdomen is bandaged in ribbons, blood having soaked through.

"Hey." Tali lifts the bowl, her peace offering.

"Hey," Shepard says with a tired smile.

"I brought chicken soup. Chakwas told me humans enjoy this. And…you're a human." She moves closer, listening to the music that plays softly. Shepard nods at the bed. Tali guesses Shepard wants her to sit. She hesitates, nerves rattling her before doing so. "Can you move all right?"

"Oh, sure. I'll be back to killing things in no time. Goddamn Praetorian."

"I heard what happened. I'm sorry, Shepard."

"Don't be. I knew it'd only be a matter of time before he stabbed me in the back. And now we know what we need to get through that Omega-4 relay. He may be a bastard but he's a smart one." She reaches for the soup and grimaces, clutching her side before smiling tightly.

"The ends justify the means? Well, I don't agree. Or not how it came about, anyway." She stirs the soup and lifts the spoon to Shepard's mouth. Shepard laughs, her eyes flicking away momentarily before tasting it. "How is it? Do you feel comforted?"

"Sure I do." She smiles wanly. "So this is what I'm reduced to? An invalid?" she takes another spoonful of soup. "Christ, did Gardner give you that? Canned for twenty years?"

"I think the can said forty but I'm not sure." Tali says. Shepard chuckles and she grabs her side again. Tali feeds her another spoonful, unsure of why she's doing this, unsure of why Shepard, who likes to slap hands offered to her in aid, is accepting it. Shepard finishes the soup in silence. When it's done Tali sets the bowl aside. "I'm glad you're okay."

"Even if I'm a bosh'tet?"

"I shouldn't have said that."

"No, you should have." Shepard frowns. "Sorry. Don't have any fancy words. Better at pulling a trigger than saying the right thing."

"I noticed."

Shepard's smile comes again, faint and tired. "Look…" she takes a breath. Tali waits. "What you have with the quarians isn't anything I've ever known. I was a military brat. Grew up in space. Moved a lot. Military families aren't known for being affectionate. I'm a hell of a commander. And when you need something dead I'm the one to come to. I know how to fuck and how to get a woman into my bed." Tali blushes furiously. There's a long beat where Shepard looks at her. "But I don't know how to be close to anyone. I barely know how to have friends. Let's face it, I'm kind of a jerk."

"Yes, but you're our jerk." Tali covers Shepard's hand. It's only for a moment. She's already pulling it away Shepard's hand turns. Their fingertips graze. Tali looks at Shepard who withdraws the hand completely. Tali wonders if she imagined it.

"Are we friends again?"

"We never stopped." She takes a breath. "I could have handled it all more maturely, Shepard. If anything had happened to you I would have never forgiven myself for leaving things that way between us. I'm sorry." Shepard shakes her head, rejecting the apology. Tali stands. "Focus on getting better. All of us need you."

She can download the Nerv-stim pro right from her omni-tool into her suit! Technology! Tali lies nervously in bed. Well. She is only being responsible. Also, her body has left her uncomfortable and tense lately, demanding satisfaction. It would be best if she took it for a trial run. The Nerv-stim pro, that is.

She plays with the settings. Oh, Keelah. _Oh_ …!

She doesn't allow herself to think of Shepard. That would be rude. Maybe Kal-Reeger? Both? No! That's terrible. Her thoughts wander. She closes her eyes and lets pure feeling wash over her. No wonder quarians can go so long without contact! Can it feel any better than this?

It's wonderful. It feels wonderful. But when it's over she's alone. She wonders what it would be like to have someone with her, to have someone hold her, how much she would give for just one kiss with Shepard.

She leaves the Rayya in a collected state. Her father's name is safe though he is dead. Shepard gave the admirals a thrashing unlike anything Tali's sure they'd ever received. The Flotilla believes in her again. She leaves with a new name, Tali'Zorah vas Normandy.

Once she returns aboard the Normandy the shock settles in. Her legs give way from her. She fades in and out of consciousness. Shepard is above her. Carrying her? Tali can't understand the words Shepard is saying. They're distorted and far away.

"My suit. It's my suit," Tali manages, her voice splintered. It must be her suit.

Shepard looks sad. "It's going to be all right. I promise."

"You've said that before."

She's hot. So hot. Burning up. Empty. Like the damned Nerv-stim pro. Hot and burning and empty. Her suit. Her father. Oh, Keelah. Keelah. She doesn't want to wake. There's nothing to wake to.

The fever doesn't subside for days. The tear in her suit wasn't enough to kill her but it has been enough to drain her thoroughly. She should have been more careful while on the Alarei. She wasn't thinking. In some ways, she still isn't. She reports to engineering but is dizzy and unsteady. She can't get her thoughts in order. Kenneth and Gabby send her away.

She retreats to her small room. The new Normandy is far larger and allows her, her own space. She's still unused to it but has been grateful to have a place to mourn privately. The others shouldn't see her like this. Auntie Raan writes. She liked Shepard. She worries. 'Are you all right?' She asks over and over again and 'should you return to the Rayya?' Tali hasn't responded.

She lies in bed, curled into herself and cries. She downloads an education vid _Dealing with Loss_. It doesn't help her. Nothing helps her. Her father cared about her. Her father, the traitor, her father who wanted to give her a homeworld, who left her to pick up his mess, who left her with the damning knowledge of what he tried to do, what he nearly did. And she sent back all the pieces that made his work possible. Is she as much to blame? Maybe she should have been exiled. Maybe she's the monster.

There's a knock. Tali ignores it. Shepard comes in anyway. Tali shuts the vid off and sits up. She swallows the lump in her throat. "I should be in engineering," she says, a light tremor in her voice.

"I don't give a damn about that. That's not why I'm here." Shepard sits on the bed without being invited. "Tali, I'm sorry about what happened at your trial. God, I'm sorry about everything." Shepard has said this before. Has said that Tali deserved better. Tali maintains that people shouldn't live their life by the expectations of what they do or don't get. "How are you? Donnelly said he and Daniels sent you away. Looks like they have some sense after all. It's been a week. Christ, I should have visited more."

"You have a team to gather, Shepard. And I'm grown."

"Still, losing a father's tough."

"You lost yours. You told me—that he used to beat you? Treat you badly?" Tali asks. Shepard shrugs lightly as if the details don't matter. "What my father has done—what he did—" Her throat locks up. "Thank you. For what you did at the trial. I never thought that Father cared for me. He never had time. But I loved him. When we walked away from the Rayya I thought that I had grown into someone he could be proud of. Someone strong. An admiral's daughter."

"You _are_ strong. You _are_ someone to be proud of. Don't doubt yourself because of what he did."

"I just want to cry all the time. I'm not crying now, by the way." Even if her eyes sting just talking about him. "Quarian families aren't allowed more than a child—unless there's a drop in the population. There wasn't one when I was born. I don't have any family left. There's Auntie Raan but… How did you deal with it, Shepard? How did you deal with losing your father? My mother died. It was difficult but I accepted it. It was different, I guess but… Should it be this hard for me?"

"You've been under a lot of stress. You've joined up with your old commander to fight one hell of a battle. And he was your _father_. You're—you're not human," she mutters, "but you're caring and good. Of course you're going to be affected." She sighs. "I didn't mourn my old man, really. I heard the news and I went on a binger so bad I had a hangover for weeks. I don't even remember the funeral. I thought Mom was going to kill me. And I would have deserved it. I was such a selfish shit."

"You're not like that anymore. That must have been difficult, Shepard. Thanks for telling me. I know how you… guard your personal stories." She sits, reclines against the wall. There is a small model of a quarian ship sitting on her small shelf. She looks at it and to Shepard. "I meant to give that to you earlier. You collect little ships, yes?"

"Yeah…"

Tali stands, lethargically. She's worn down. The energy she must expend to rise, walk several feet and collect the cruiser is almost enough to take it out of her. She hands the ship to Shepard. "Here you go, Captain."

"Captain, huh? Wonder how many people I'll have to blackmail to get that one. But I'm all right if it's just between you and me." She bows her head thoughtfully. "Tali'Zorah vas Normandy. I like the sound of it. I wish I could have given it to you in a better way." Shepard holds on to the ship, looking it over before looking up at Tali. Tali sits beside her. "I'm pretty sure I would have fought that Han'Gerrell if they wanted you back. Kal-Reeger, too."

Tali laughs softly. "My place is by your side, Shepard. Before you start drawing guns and swinging your fists, you could ask my opinion."

"Maybe I'm intimidated by your opinion." She grimaces when Tali sniffles. Shepard slides closer to her and wraps an arm around her shoulder, drawing her close. Tali rests against her, breathing softly. "Are you crying?" Shepard asks. Tali says nothing, the hot tears scalding along her face. "Let it out. I'm here."

Tali watches through blurry tears as Shepard's fingers twine curiously with her own. Tali isn't used to seeing anything like it. Shepard's grip tightens reassuringly. Tali closes her eyes and breathes.

"I just helped Samara kill her daughter."

Tali sits with Shepard in the VIP area of Afterlife. The red light washes everything the color of blood. Here, it's difficult to see how Shepard's eyes glow in the dark. Shepard downs the remainder of her drink and sets it down on the nearby table. The two of them sit on the padded red cushions, left mostly to their own devices. Many of the mercenaries previously in the room quickly scattered upon spotting Shepard.

"Morinth was her daughter?"

Shepard nods. "We tracked her here. Baited her. With me." She allows a small grin. "I'm quite a catch, you know." Tali smiles. "And then we killed her. I think about it—her numbers versus my mine. She was born with a defect—killing when she mates with someone, when their systems 'meld'. Oh, she made it sound like one hell of a way to go, in some kind of unbelievable mind-blowing fuck. Tempting" she flicks her eyes to Tali, who narrows hers. "I wouldn't have done it." She adds.

Tali isn't sure she believes her. "It sounds terrible. I'm sure you did the right thing, Shepard."

"Did I? She was born with something beyond her control. If I was hunted for being who I was, you can bet your ass I'd fight it. Fuck living like a nun in some remote shelter somewhere." She closes her eyes. "Morinth told me to take her. To kill Samara. To let her help me." There's a beat. She looks at Tali. "I thought about it."

"Keelah, Shepard. Why?"

"You draw clean distinctions between right and wrong, Tali. Most of the time, I don't like it. Idealism can be a cancer. But hell, if that doesn't make things any easier." She draws a breath. "This conversation is between you and me, all right?"

"Yes. Yes, of course."

"Sometimes to kill the monsters you have to become one. You heard about Torfan. Must have." She runs her hands over her face. "I took that name they gave me, Butcher of Torfan, I wore it like a badge. When that batarian piece of shit was kneeling in front of me, crying and bloody I smiled and pulled the trigger. His brains splattered. Fuck him. I killed most of my squad to prove a point. To teach a lesson." There's another long beat. "What's a girl like you doing here with someone like me, in Omega?"

"Sometimes I wonder. You're not perfect. We've already established that you're a bosh'tet. Shepard—I can't judge your life. We all make mistakes. If you rewrote any one part of your history—who knows who you'd be? If you'd even be the same person? Who you are is the person who stopped Saren and Sovereign. You're the one who has stood up for me so many times throughout the years—but not just for me, for others, too. Shepard… I never asked. Are you all right?"

"I have my life, a beer," she reaches across the table to pick up a bottle, "and a woman at my side. What more could I want?"

Tali won't allow herself to be distracted. "You died."

"I came back."

"Do you feel different?"

"Not really." She touches her scarred cheek. "Pretty sure I'm uglier than I was before."

"You could never be ugly." Tali says too quickly. Shepard smirks. "But… I do worry about what Cerberus did to you. Your face…" She reaches a hand forward, stopping herself before she touches Shepard's cheek. Shepard takes the hand, holds it, brings it to her face. There's a faint warmth to her skin. But the texture, the softness, she can't feel any of that. "I hate these damned gloves," she mutters.

"I hate your damned mask. I want to look at you. I want to see your face."

Tali tries to laugh any embarrassment away but can't make a sound. She doesn't know whether she should be angry. As if it were that easy. As if she wants to live under the damned mask and be questioned by others when something significant happens and they don't know if she's affected enough. "What for?" she whispers.

Shepard slides an arm around her and draws closer. The music pounds so loudly that it rattles the floors, the furniture. She can feel the bass throbbing in her heart. There's no way Shepard could have heard her. "You really don't know?" Tali stares at her, lips parted. What would others think if they saw them here like this, sitting in the dark, Shepard with an arm around her, face so close? "I think my poker face is better than yours."

And then, much to Tali's dismay, she slides away, bringing the bottle of beer to her lips. What does she mean? The talk of poker faces? Tali groans inside. Where is Kasumi to translate all of this when she needs her? "Why the fascination with looking at my face?" Tali asks.

Shepard takes a long drink of her beer. "Do you feel anything when I look at you? Only you?"

Tali doesn't see what her question has to do with Shepard's response. Is she trying to change the subject? Or is Tali only too nervous and wound up to be able to make sense of her words? Shepard is several years older than her. Seven years older than her to be exact and she's lived a life full of experiences that Tali can't touch. Tali manages something that's almost a nod.

Shepard turns her body, facing her. "I want to see what you look like when you look at me. Only me. I want to see how your face changes. If it changes. As it is—I can't really tell the difference between when you look at me or Jacob or Miranda or …or anyone. Sorry. That's how it is."

"Do you think I want to hide myself?" She asks too sharply and regrets it. Shepard looks forlorn. "Don't you know how it kills me to be trapped in this suit? Nobody knows what I look like, Shepard. Nobody has seen my face since I was a child. I couldn't even tell you. But, if I could show my face to anyone—I'd show it to you."

"Maybe you will, someday." She touches her fingers to Tali's mask, grimaces as if the contact with something that isn't flesh burns her. "I need another beer," she mutters. "Want another turian drink? That's all this piss hole has."

Charming. "No, thanks, I'm good." It's not a complete lie. Half of her is elated. The other, miserable.

So what if she accidentally let it slip that she would link her suit environment with Shepard's? It doesn't mean anything and Shepard doesn't need to read anything into it. Yes, she trusts Shepard. She's said as much before. It's only… It's only…

She takes a shuddery breath.

It's only late. Shepard, the scamp, has slipped into her room behind her, sat on her bed as if she owns the room, the ship and watched her. "I think you were blushing earlier," Shepard tells her.

Shepard told her as much in engineering. Letting her know that she trusted Tali, too. Tali felt as if her body were on fire, coupled with the soaring of her heart and she was left breathless. Now, Shepard sits on her bed, fingertips grazing her legs, her thighs, climbing higher. Even clothed, the contact is enough to make her crazy. Shepard stands, hands settling possessively on her hips.

Tali doesn't think she'd mind being possessed by Shepard. She forgets how to talk.

"I'd link suit environments with you, too," Shepard says.

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no. This isn't happening. Shepard isn't in her room, at this hour. The Flotilla would be scandalized. So would the rest of the Cerberus ship. Is Kasumi in here now? Hiding somewhere? Spying? "You're just saying that to get into my suit." Shepard doesn't mean it. Does she? Shepard hasn't even seen her face. Looks are very important to humans. Shepard wouldn't forego it. Not for her. "It won't work, Shepard. I'm not easy like that."

"You act as if I mind a challenge." Her hands glide upward, along her waist, along her ribs before sliding to her shoulders and down the front, grazing along her breasts. She takes her time. The sensation is so different, five digits compared to her own three that she has cautiously run over herself before feeling too guilty to continue. Tali nearly passes out, unused to the contact, unused to the wild energy coursing through her, making her dizzy with desire. Shepard's hands slide down along her back, settling at the small of it and pulling her closer, until their stomachs touch, their hips touch. Their eyes meet, holding each other's gaze. Shepard speaks softly. "I don't mind waiting."

"W—waiting?" Tali's not sure she wants to. If only she could be irresponsible and tear her clothing off. Only to be left feeling rather awkward and at a loss of what to do. "Why—why would you do that? You don't even—I can't even—" She wishes she wouldn't stammer so when she's nervous.

"For you. For this. For us. Tell me you want to."

Tali swallows the lump in her throat, stunned to hear the desperation in Shepard's voice. "Sh—Shepard… I—I don't know. This is all—this is all a lot—and I said some things—and I…" her heart beats furiously. "I ah—it's late and you shouldn't—shouldn't be here—I'm in a suit and—there really isn't much room to—"

Shepard locks eyes with her. "Do you want to be with me?"

Tali stares. Does she want to be with her? Yes. Her and no other. It's all she's wanted for years now. There is no one else that she wants, no one else in her heart. "Shepard," she nearly chokes on her name, "are you blind?"

"Are you? You've been driving me crazy since I saw you on Freedom's Progress. God, Tali. I've wanted nothing more than to press my lips to yours for months now. I think of you," she lowers her voice as if admitting something shameful, "I dream of you. I think I could be close to you," she closes her eyes, presses her forehead against Tali's. Shepard's heartbeat is elevated. "If you let me."

"What about Miranda?" she asks in a hoarse whisper.

"For fuck's sake."

"It's a valid question."

"I don't want to talk about her. I haven't seen her in weeks."

Tali exhales. "If you want to be with me, keep it that way." Tali reluctantly steps back from her. "Shepard—this isn't a game to me. I don't want it to be like Liara or Miranda. I really… care about you. I'm a quarian. You're a human. Do you know what that would mean for me? Do you know how difficult it would be? It could _kill_ me. And you'd be… frustrated. _I'd_ be frustrated."

"Since when have we shied away from difficult odds? It'd be easier than stopping the Collectors and Saren. We've done it before. We can do it again. This is worth it. You know it is, Tali."

"I need to think about this. Keelah, Shepard, you're throwing a lot at me at once. I didn't even know that you noticed me like that. And to say now that for months…"

"I know how I've seemed. I know what you've seen." Shepard takes Tali's hands. "Christ, Tali, I didn't even think it'd be possible until Kasumi said something." Kasumi? Tali tries to figure out whether she should shoot her or buy her a drink. "We can do some research. We can talk to Mordin… you can talk to… whoever." She takes a breath, her fingers lightly along her neck. "We can be… creative."

Creative? It's hot. Too hot. Much too hot. "I – I don't even know what you mean by being cre—creative."

Shepard smiles back at her. "Think about it." And goes.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Helpless

"Shepard!"

Shepard blinks and wonders how she happened to forget that she is seated across one of the most perfect human specimens in existence. Miranda sits behind her desk, leaning forward, hand stretched out across as if to yank her back to attention or slap her. She has before. They both had fun that night. Shepard smiles thinking of it.

"Don't _smile_." Miranda warns. She rises, walking around the desk and sitting on the edge. Shepard leans back on the chair, folding her arms behind her head. Goddamn, if she isn't a sight. "Can you _pretend_ that you give a damn about this briefing? My time is valuable and I'm not here to waste it—not even on you, Commander. I already gave you two years of my life."

Shepard shifts uncomfortably in the chair. "A god's creation is reward enough." Miranda's eyes sharpen, more cutting than daggers. Shepard lifts her hands. "Relax, Miranda. Briefing or no briefing, I'll get it done. You're the brains and the _exquisite_ body of this operation. I'm the muscle."

"Oh, you've remembered that now, have you? I was beginning to think you'd forgotten." She appraises her coolly. "You haven't been stopping by."

"You have a lot of work to do."

"I can make time. I have. As you know." She moves away from the desk, walking around the chair Shepard sits in, settling a hand on her shoulder. Shepard glances at it but doesn't take it. "What's the matter with you?" She continues before Shepard can ask. "There was a time when you came in here and had me pressed against a wall before I could get a word in edgewise."

"Maybe I've learned to be a respectful human being."

Miranda laughs. "You? I don't think so." Her hand slides down Shepard's arm, grazing her abdomen, touching the waist of her pants. Shepard takes her wrist. "You're stopping me?" Their eyes meet. "You don't want me?"

"There isn't a person alive who doesn't want you, Miranda. If they say they don't, they're lying."

Miranda meets her eyes. Shepard remembers when she only saw ice in them. Now there's something more but it's gone just as quickly, becoming colder and harder than steel. How strange to take something like meeting someone's eyes for granted. What are Tali's eyes like? "You're thinking of her." Miranda says. She tugs her wrist away and returns to the desk, crossing her arms. "I don't believe it."

"Forget the cryptic bullshit, Miranda, and get to your point."

"Don't do that, Shepard. I told you before that I'm good at exacting a person's motivations, what they're after. I know what you're after. I just can't believe it." She laughs again, short and caustic. "You've lost it over a quarian virgin. That's…pathetic." Shepard scowls. "I didn't think it could be true but it is. There's no other explanation. So, you fucked your XO and you were hoping for what, a greater challenge?"

"Fuck you."

"No thanks. I made that mistake a few too many times."

"You were eager to make it again a minute ago." Shepard says. Miranda doesn't react but Shepard's sure she heard her and is trying to save face. "What I do isn't any of your business."

"Wrong. I'm here to monitor your progress and to ensure that the mission isn't compromised. Quarians are fragile, looking at them the wrong way makes them sick. Like it or not, she's a valuable fighter. Do you really want to compromise the mission, _her_ , just to add another race to the notches on your belt?"

"I'll see myself out. Screw this briefing." She gets to the door, stops and turns around. "Look, I'm sorry you have hurt feelings about whatever happened between us. If it's any consolation you're an unbelievable fuck. The best I've had, by _far_."

"I'm glad that's sorted. Commander Shepard thinks I'm an unbelievable fuck. I should retire everything now—my life is complete."

Shepard's cheeks nearly heat. She controls herself. "If I could have you in my head, Miranda, I _would_." No, she wouldn't. If she could get by without having anyone in her head, she'd be elated. She could continue doing whatever the hell she wants. Instead she goes and develops feelings for the woman she could kill by touching. "But that isn't how it works. You're smart. You should know that."

"A lecture on relationships by Commander Shepard. I really have seen it all. Well, if she has any sense she'll stay away from you. You're a great leader, Shepard. The best. But you're not partner material." Miranda returns to sit behind the desk. "Tali'Zorah's irritating to no end but… she deserves better than you. And so do I."

Shepard's jaw tenses. Her fingers uncurl, start to curl, uncurl again. "Tell me something I don't know."

"You're going to hurt her." She allows a moment. The breath in Shepard's lungs burns. "It was fun, Shepard but I came here to work. Not play. Thanks for reminding me that I was dangerously close to getting my priorities out of order." She bows her head. "Now, if you'll excuse yourself, I really do have work to do."

"Hey, Shep." Kasumi falls in line beside her. Shepard glances at her, irritated at how often she materializes out of thin air. Who knows what she's been spying. "That was really rough but you did the right thing. You two got pretty loud on occasion, I'm sure ending things sexually with her just now must have been tough."

"You're here to fight, Kasumi, not spy." Did they get that loud? Christ. She hadn't noticed. With Miranda it was easy to forget that anything else existed. Her body, her skill, those depraved words she whispered into her ear, what they did together is enough to give the asari consort a run for her money. Why in the hell is she giving that up? Is she fucking crazy?

"Luckily for the two of us, I can do both." She grabs Shepard's arm. Shepard pulls it away. "I know you're a bit of a bad girl. And if the gossip is to be believed you've got a lot of experience under your belt."

"Get to the point," she says cuttingly.

"Ah, you're tense. So tense. This is perfect timing to illustrate my point. Tali's sweet. Neither one of us have missed that she's a quarian. Which naturally means she hasn't been able to experience the same things you or I have."

Shepard shakes her head. "I said get to the point."

"Fine. Rob a girl of waxing poetic. I could tell you of the dangers and treating Tali with respect and keeping control of your libido. All of that is in there somewhere, sure. But what I really meant to say was that I'll kill you if you hurt her. After all this Collector business is done, anyway."

"I'm not going to do that." Who are these people questioning her? Maybe she's hurt others before. It wasn't her fault they got attached. "Not that it's any of your business but I care about Tali. I'm not going to fuck it up like I have with other people."

"If you think you can't hurt the people you care about, you really have a lot to learn. And I'm not talking about the obvious cross-species stuff."

"Get lost," Shepard tells her lethally.

"Have it your way," Kasumi rolls her eyes and disappears.

Donnelly is checking out Tali's ass.

To his credit he manages to do it while working. He speak with Daniels. Shepard understands the basics but she's a soldier, not an engineer. As long as her ship is running well, she'll leave them to their work. "And those hips," he tells Daniels, who punches a button fiercely on the terminal. "What a figure. I'm telling you Gabby, it's hard to work on the Normandy with all these distractions. I'm amazed I get anything done."

"Maybe you'd do well to be relocated, Donnelly," Shepard says. Donnelly nearly jumps out of his skin. He hadn't heard her enter, too focused on Tali's figure to pay attention. "Do you really think it's professional to make comments like that about a crew member to another member of the crew?"

Donnelly flushes, caught. "No—no, ma'am. Sorry, Commander." He salutes and keeps his arm up, shaking. Daniels looks tickled.

"Focus on your work. Not what gets your dick hard. Understand?"

"Y—yes. Yes, Commander. It won't happen again, Commander."

"See to it that it doesn't. Daniels doesn't want to sit around listening to that crap," Shepard says. There's a trickle of sweat going down his face. Shepard smiles inwardly. "At ease. Get back to work."

"Y—yes, ma'am!" Donnelly salutes and returns to his station. "Christ," he mutters under his breath to Daniels, "I thought she was going to shoot my dick off. That was terrifying."

"Serves you right," Daniels grins, "Tali has better things to do than be ogled by you."

"Those hips are worth risking your life for, Gabby," he says.

Damn right. "Tali, here, now," Shepard shoots to her, making her way to the drive core. Tali doesn't follow her right away, seemingly taking her time making whatever adjustments she's making at her station. Shepard waits impatiently, holding on to the small railing that separates them from the drive core.

Tali eventually presents herself. "I'm not a dog, Shepard. Don't order me around like one." Shepard grimaces and mutters an apology. Tali moves to stand beside her. "What's up? I heard you snapping at Kenneth. Was he ogling Gabby?"

"He was ogling _you_ ," Shepard says with a grin. "Only _I'm_ allowed to do that." Tali shuffles bashfully. Shepard wishes she could rip the damned helmet off and kiss her here and now. "I've been thinking about you," she says lowly, covering one of Tali's hands with her own. Tali looks down at it and up at her. "Come to my cabin tonight."

"Alone? I ah—I mean," she sputters, looking down. Shepard tightens her hold gently on her hand. "Did you—did you want to do something?" Shepard smiles. "I—I haven't. There are some things I could do—but… I… it would take a while for it to take affect and I haven't gotten everything yet and besides that—"

"Slow down. You can come by to…talk."

"Talk? In your cabin? We can talk here."

"We can't do everything I want to do here." She slides her fingers along the railing before sliding an arm around her waist, pulling her close.

"Shepard…!" Tali whispers viciously, "someone will see."

For an instant, Liara flashes in her mind. "Let them."

"I—I don't want anyone to think—to get the wrong idea—"

"The wrong ideas are all the fun ones," Shepard says. Tali's so nervous in her arms that she's shaking. Or maybe she's only humming with desire. Shepard can take a guess but isn't sure she'd be right. "Anyway, would anyone _really_ be getting the wrong idea?"

"M—maybe not. I ah—you're so close." Her hands touch Shepard's arms gently. Shepard has never been with a quarian. Never thought of being with one. Two years ago the idea would have been inconceivable. Tali's grown in a lot of ways. She thinks of Kasumi and Miranda's words. "There is some work I should be focusing on. It's hard when you're here... Was there something you wanted to talk about? In your cabin?"

"Nothing in particular. Nothing different than usual. I want to be alone with you. I want to touch you."

"Tali?" Donnelly comes around the corner just as Tali shoves Shepard away. Her back slams hard into the railing. Donnelly looks between the two of them. "Uh—didn't mean to interrupt anything."

"Y—you haven't interrupted anything," Tali says, hurrying to him. Great. If he didn't know anything was happening, he knows now. "What is it? Have you taken a look at those readings I told you about?"

Shepard waits, getting her bearings before moving past them. She cares about Tali but has she made a mistake? She's all worked up with no promise of release in sight. If it were anyone else she wouldn't hesitate to find another to ease her tension. But what would that do to Tali? Tali who is strong and has seen unimaginable horrors but in some ways is still too young and trusting. Fuck.

"Shepard?" Tali breaks away from Donnelly and catches her at the door. "Sorry for pushing you. I got nervous. I'll see you later. Should I bring anything?"

Shepard smiles with relief. "Just you."

 _From: Mom_

 _So I have to find out my child is alive third-hand from Alliance brass? Where the hell have you been?_

 _I figure whatever you're doing is classified, likely part of your Spectre Operations. Just stay safe out there, and keep doing your mom proud. And sneak something through a secure channel next time._

 _Love,_

 _Your mother, Captain Hannah_

Shepard sighs. She's been sitting on the message for weeks now. Tali lost her father and her mother. No doubt she'd think her a 'bosh'tet' for not having contacted her after so much time. The guilt nags at her and she opens a secure vid frequency, pacing the room, waiting for the vid call to go through. If she doesn't pick up then all the better and there will be a record that she's called. She'll be off the hook for being a terrible daughter.

Hannah Shepard picks up. "Hello?" It's been years since Shepard has heard her voice. She returns to proper range and peers into the camera, issuing a small wave. "Jesus, Jane!"

"Hey, they've only just started calling me that. How'd you find out?" She grins and peers at her mother's face, a hybrid of so many emotions it's almost comical. Her long blonde hair is tied up in a tight bun, streaked with gray. Shepard got her father's hair color. "So, I'm alive. I meant to tell you. I've been busy."

"I sent you a message _weeks_ ago! I only found out after you'd been alive for God knows so long." She paces the room, spine straight and strong, she has the stripes of an admiral now. What did her mother feel, receiving the promotion with no one to share the day with her? Hannah fixes her blue eyes on her. "Jesus, Jane!"

"I'm really starting to like the sound of that."

"How could you not let me know? It would have taken seconds! I had to find out from that Admiral Pinkerton. You should have seen the smug look on his face. You left me with my ass hanging in the air!" Hannah says. Shepard smiles. "Jesus, Janey. Do you know how hard it was for me? To think that my only daughter was dead? I've already buried your father. We had an empty casket for you. You had a military funeral!"

Shepard moves around on the chair, her stomach turning uncomfortably.

"And what the hell have you been doing? Decking reporters on air? That Khalisah al Jilani is a pain in the ass but you can't do that. Think on how it reflects on the Alliance, on you, on me! If the Council doesn't think we're barbarians already, they will after that. Oh, honey, you've always been hotheaded but you have to grow up at some point."

"It's gotten me far enough," Shepard says. She brings a hand to her forehead.

"What's happened to your face?"

"Oh, this. It's what happens when a scientist beats God." She smiles, not mind her mother's horrified face. The cabin door open behind her. Shepard turns, desperately. Oh, shit. Tali? Not now. Is she early? Did this call take longer than expected? Or did she not think her whim through thoroughly?

"Shepard?" Tali asks.

Shepard looks back. Great. Get the girl to come to the room only to be cockblocked by her mother.

"Who is that?" Hannah asks. Tali comes to stand next to Shepard. Tali looks at her and then at Hannah. Hannah looks at Shepard. "I taught you manners, Jane."

"Jesus," Shepard mutters.

"Jane?" Tali asks. Shepard can hear the smile in her voice.

"This is Tali'Zorah," Shepard waves a hand at her. "She helped me stop Saren and Sovereign the first go round. Before the Collectors. Hell, if it wasn't for her, the Council would have never believed me about Saren and I doubt I'd be a Spectre. Tali. This is my mother, Hannah." Christ. She's never introduced anyone to her mother and she hadn't planned on doing so now.

"Oh!" Tali says, coming closer to the image. "Shepard has spoken warmly of you." Has she? Hannah looks doubtful. "It's lovely to meet you."

"And good to meet you," Hannah says tiredly as if not trusting that Shepard weren't up to something. "Has she been behaving herself?"

Tali laughs. "Not at all."

"Well, however they brought her back, it sounds like they brought her back just the same." There's a beat. "What are you doing there at this hour? Jane, don't tell me that you're—"

"Okay, that's enough," Shepard says going closer to the image of her mother. "I called you, I'm alive, I love you, I'll talk to you later when I've finished killing all the things—"

"Jane—!"

"Bye!" She says cheerfully and disconnects the call. There's a long silence, Tali's head is cocked, arms crossed lightly. "I don't want Cerberus spying on her," Shepard says. Part of that is true, anyway. She walks away from the vid monitor and moves further in the room to the couches. "So, you met my clearly very nosy mother."

"Not on purpose. I doubt you wanted to introduce me to her."

"It wasn't on the agenda," she says with a smirk. "But I can't say that I minded."

"You hung up on her," she says disapprovingly.

"I called. Because of you!" Ah, nobody appreciates the little things she does. "I don't want to talk about it."

"How did it go?"

"What part of 'I don't want to talk about it' did you miss?"

"Not any of it. You told me to come up here for a talk. So I'm talking." She slides closer to Shepard on the couch, managing to pull a smile from her in the process. "So, Jane Shepard?" she laughs. "You sound so… demure."

Shepard rolls her eyes. "It's a misnomer."

"She must have been so happy to see you." She folds a leg on the couch. Shepard tries not to stare at her thighs. Eyes up—where? The helmet? The light of her eyes? Sigh. "When I saw you on Freedom's Progress—I don't know. Suddenly it felt like the world had color again."

"Had a crush on me, did you?"

"Don't embarrass me." It sounds as if she's pouting.

"I don't mean to. I'm only teasing." But she is curious. She suspected Tali had feelings for her, though the suspicion is newly founded. Had she known sooner she would have… Shut her out, maybe. Or maybe tried to figure out a way for them to be together. Either way it sounds like wasted time. She touches her hand delicately to Tali's knee, stroking the flesh beneath through the suit, only capable of imagining what it's like.

Tali looks at her hand then at her. "I can't believe this is happening. It feels like a dream." She ducks her head, shakes it. "Keelah, Shepard. I don't know about this. I feel like such an idiot."

"Why?"

"Remember when you said before that humans and asari aren't so limited? I got angry because it's true. The things you have done—the lovers, the experiences—are things that I can only experience through books or …through a vid or something. If this is going to work, it will need to work for the both of us. What will make me happy will be less than…" There's a long moment. Shepard takes her hand. "I don't see how any of this would be fair to you."

"Hey, this is me you're talking to. I never play fair." She smiles.

"You know what I mean."

"I do. But it doesn't change anything."

"Shepard… what if you get bored with me? Not because of anything having to do with me but because I'm a quarian and I can't… be spontaneous or… or Keelah." She sighs. "I don't know if I'm ready to experience that kind of hurt. I don't know if it's inevitable and if I shouldn't bother."

Shepard shakes her head. "No one said it was going to be easy. It will be hard for the both of us. But I want to try. Don't give up on this before its begun." She gets to her feet and pulls Tali up with her. She's slighter than she is, kinder, better. She makes Shepard insatiably curious. "If you don't want this, I understand but I think you do. Don't let your fear keep you from what we both want. Those things you haven't experienced? We can experience them together. It will be new for the both of us."

"I want to kiss you, Shepard. How are we going to help that?"

Shepard has dreamed of the moment. It's always different. She's not exactly sure what Tali looks like beneath the helmet. She's made out a cute profile and little more. An asari once told her that the quarians were once considered the most beautiful of races. Then again, they mate with hanar and vorcha, so who the hell really knows. Shepard can't believe that Tali isn't beautiful. "I'll talk to Mordin," she says again. "He must know _something_." Tali nods apprehensively. Shepard wraps her arms around her waist, holding her close, turning Tali so Shepard's pressed to her back. She circles her arms around Tali's waist, presses her face to the crook of her neck.

"This feels nice," Tali admits quietly.

Shepard pulls her closer. Tali's hand drops to Shepard's leg, gliding dreamily along it. She lifts her hand back, lighting on Shepard's neck, stroking lightly. Shepard closes her eyes and breathes deeply. She presses her lips to Tali's neck. She kisses only cloth, feeling nothing of her and making a small, frustrated cry. Tali sighs softly. Her heart strains painfully. She thinks of Miranda, forgets Miranda, feels only Tali in her arms. "I have never wanted anyone the way I want you," she confesses quietly.

This will be difficult.

Shepard washes the blood from her face. The water in the sink runs cherry red before lightening to a watermelon color and finally running clear. The explosion at the plant (one of many) gashed her cheek wildly. If not for medi-gel and Chakwas' quick work, Shepard isn't sure she would have a face to look at.

Tali came on the mission, along with Zaeed. Zaeed would have razed the factory to the ground if she'd let him. She almost let him. Tali took her arm. "Shepard, you can't allow this! We have to help those workers."

She grudgingly agreed. Vito Santiago got away. Shepard rinses her mouth, spitting red several times over before exiting the cabin, a small bounce in her step.

She can't recall a time she was excited to see a woman when sex wasn't on the table but Tali makes her crave for the company. For her company. Shepard makes it to crew deck, rapping on Tali's door before entering. Whatever Tali is looking at on her omni-tool, she quickly exits out of. "Did I interrupt?" Shepard asks.

"No! I was only um—doing a little research," she winces. "On humans. And human physiology and biology. We're not too different, actually." She pauses. "Your face looks better."

"It helps to not have a flap of skin hanging down."

"Agreed but that isn't what I meant. It looks as if it's healing," her fingers trace where the scars usually are. Tali has become less self-conscious about contact, no longer stammering like she used to. It's an improvement. Whenever they actually get down to the physical act, it might be a different matter entirely. "How?"

"Your good influence?" Shepard suggests. She shrugs. Having Tali around, the good angel on her shoulder, so to speak, is a mild-deterrent to her 'reckless' behavior. It also slows things down. Diplomacy isn't her strong suit. She prefers doing things her way. Maybe she should stop bringing her to missions but she's a capable fighter and any excuse to spend time with her…

"You did a good thing at that refinery, Shepard," Tali says, still tracing her face. Shepard shakes her head. "And I'm glad you didn't leave Zaeed."

"I only pointed a gun to his head."

"Could you have killed him?"

"I could kill anything if I had to." She takes Tali's wrists. "For the record, we're never going to completely agree on who is expendable and who isn't."

"That you can think of anyone as expendable is troubling."

"I'm realistic. Some people shouldn't exist."

"Is Zaeed one of them?"

"I need him. For now," Shepard says. Tali pulls away from her. Shepard sighs inwardly. "Tali, no matter how I feel for you, I can't have you questioning my decisions."

"I know that whatever you choose, we'll find victory because of it. I'm just not convinced that the quick and easy way is the right way. And after time, killing everything that stands in the way—doesn't that weigh on you?"

"We don't have time for diplomacy. Not all the time. Half of those guys I kill would kill hundreds more if I let them walk. I'm willing to do the things others aren't."

"Is that the way of the Alliance?"

"It's the way of a Spectre. It's _my_ way."

Tali gives a small shake of her head. "I'm going to see this through with you, Shepard. No matter what. But your way is not my way. Don't ask me to pretend it is."

"I won't. You may drive me crazy with all that pesky morality of yours but I wouldn't have you any other way." She leans forward. She hates that damned helmet of hers. She pulls her closer. Tali's tense. "Do I still make you so nervous?"

"You make everybody nervous, Shepard. I'm no exception." Tali follows Shepard's guiding hand until she's straddling her in the small twin bed, Shepard's back against the wall. She exhales shakily. Looks around. Doesn't know what to do with her hands. She flattens them against the wall. "How did I even get myself in this position?"

"I distracted with you with a question. I like that you got yourself into this position," she grips Tali's hips and brings her closer. "Have you been taking your antibiotics?" Tali nods, her fingers slipping to Shepard's neck, running up through her hair. Shepard smiles. "Good."

"What about you?"

"Mordin shot me with three different injections before I could finish talking," she shifts her neck, revealing three different pin pricks. Tali finds them, touches them. Shepard trails her hands along Tali's legs while she does so, working her way up her thighs, watching her chest rise and fall, cupping her breasts, flicking her thumb along her nipples. Even beneath the suit she had to feel it. Tali's breath, coming faster tells Shepard she's right. If only she could see her face, kiss her mouth. "Did you ever get that nerv-stim pro?"

"Shepard…!"

That's answer enough. "Do you use it?" Shepard presses a kiss to her chest, damn the suit, damn the obstruction, eliciting a response from Tali is worth doing it. "Do you think of me when you use it?" Tali only breathes her name in response. "Use it now," Shepard whispers.

"I'm embarrassed. I couldn't!"

"You _could_. You _can_. Come on. It'll be fun." Shepard slides her hand along Tali's stomach, further below, slipping between Tali's legs. "I know you feel this."

She gasps softly. "Damn it, Shepard. I want to be out of this suit. I want to press against you with nothing in the way. I want your mouth on me, your hands… I need you."

The words are enough to drive Shepard wild with desire. This from Tali! The sweet girl, the innocent girl, the good girl. A woman now. Still all of those things. To think that she could want her. "I don't deserve you."

"We'll just have to disagree on that," Tali says. Her breath quickens as Shepard continues her touches, her kisses. "I want to touch you. I need to touch you. I have dreams that wake me. Dreams that I want to live with you."

Shepard can't believe her face is flushed. "We will."

"It's frustrating."

"It won't be for much longer," she draws Tali closer, their hips tightly against one another's. "Use the Nerv-stim pro," she says again. "We'll both enjoy it. I can see some part of you. Hear you. Hold you," Shepard breathes. Tali's breathing becomes more erratic. "Don't be shy."

"I can't help it. How is it that you make me feel shy and strong?"

Shepard smiles faintly. "You make me feel helpless." Shepard doesn't resist when Tali presses her further to the wall, shifting so she's closer to her, the closest she can be. Electricity courses through her, pleasure building, rising. Shepard closes her eyes. Tali doesn't let the program do all the work. Her hands explore along Shepard's body, tentatively at first, then more confidently when she discovers what gets a response from her. Their breathing is labored. Tali whispers sweet, beautiful desires, bold, wicked promises.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: Strife

"I don't want that thing on this ship. Keelah, Shepard, first Cerberus, then an AI and now a geth? You ask too much, Shepard. Will you ask me to give up everything I believe in for you?"

Shepard stares at the geth, lying prone on the bench in the AI core and back to Tali. "My decision stands. That _thing_ stays, at least until I activate and talk to it. I'm not going to risk this mission and an opportunity for critical data just because you're holding a grudge."

"A grudge?" Tali's voice flares, fingers curling. "The geth drove us from our homeworld and hunted us out of the Perseus Veil. It's the reason we're stuck in these suits! You know, the suit you hate that I have to wear? They _hate_ us, Shepard. They serve the Reapers and have tried to kill us many times over and now you're telling me to trust them?"

"I'm not telling you to trust them. I'm telling you to stand down. Don't bother arguing with me. As much as I may want to blast it out an airlock I know that the mission comes first. Maybe it's time to bury old hatreds."

"You, telling me to bury hatred?" Tali paces, shakes her head. "You know what bothers me about you, Shepard? The way you can be such a hypocrite when something doesn't directly involve you." Shepard frowns, not liking the accusation but not able to directly argue it either. "Whatever you think you can get from that thing, just remember that it's a geth. And it's wearing a piece of your armor." She approaches it, hands clenched tightly before slamming them down beside the inert body. "Damn it, just looking at it wearing a piece of your N7 armor pisses me off. You died wearing that! And now our enemy is wearing it?"

Shepard looks at the geth. Yes. It's wearing her armor. Yes, it's unsettling. But if she backed down because something happened to unsettle her she doubts she'd have gotten as far as she has. "It _helped_ us."

"So did Cerberus, in the beginning of this. And then the Illusive Man betrayed you on that Collector ship. Who are you? Have you forgotten? I thought we were on the same side. Are you another geth sympathizer? When you were at my trial I thought you knew about the dangers. Now I'm not so sure. Now I wonder if Cerberus brought you back right."

"You're going too far." Shepard says tightly.

Tali is silent. "I'm sorry…"

Shepard approaches her cautiously, touching a hand to her shoulder. She's tense. Shepard slips her arms around her waist, drawing her close. "It will be all right."

Tali shrugs her away. "No. Don't make promises that you know nothing about." She brings a hand to her forehead. "I can't do this. Not now, anyway. Just… give me some time."

Shepard sighs. "Are we going to be okay?"

"I don't know."

Shepard bites her tongue. Goddamn it. She hadn't known going to get the goddamn Reaper IFF would be such a pain in the ass. As if things weren't difficult enough. First Cerberus, now a geth. She doesn't blame Tali for being pissed off. "I don't want to argue about this. If it were as simple as you're making it seem do you think I'd hesitate to throw it out an airlock? I don't want this to come between us."

"If it were as simple as what we wanted…" She shakes her head. "I really need to go."

"Do you want to be here when I activate it?"

"Do I get to bring my shotgun?" Tali asks. Shepard crosses her arms. "Then no."

They fight their way through the hordes of geth and in the end Shepard destroys the heretics. Tali is unsure whether Shepard takes pleasure in the action. Shepard's face is neutral. She won't tell herself that Shepard did it for her sake, to quell the argument between them. Shepard isn't motivated by emotion. In all likelihood, the decision will help them tactically in the future. Tali is reassured by her action but she doesn't know if thanks are in order, no matter how grateful 'Legion' appears to be.

Creator Tali-Zorah he calls her. Shepard-Commander, he calls Shepard. She is still unsure how Legion is able to talk. Have the geth evolved? The idea terrifies her more than anything. They have already hunted them mercilessly and last time, her people lost. To think that they could do battle with them again, the enemy they lost against before having gained an advantage… But at least Shepard destroyed the heretics, at least they have lost some of their numbers… at least… Keelah.

She doesn't want him on the ship. If it were up to her, they would have left Legion on the Heretic Station when they blew it up. Now she finds him scanning her omni-tool, spying, just as she expected he would. She was not exiled and she disapproves of what her father did, but she'll be damned if she lets him transmit classified information back to geth. They do not need a war on their hands.

She can't go to Shepard with this. There's no time, really. She discovers the breach in her omni-tool and heads up to the AI core, gun in hand, hearing the murmurs of the other crewmembers as she passes them but not stopping. If he transmits the data before she has the chance to talk to him, to stop him—she will stop him. It. She will stop _it_.

She enters the med-bay and moves past the doors to the AI core hissing open. Legion looks up, Tali lifts the gun, pointing it at the flashing light on what can only be described as his head. To think of the countless people who think she's the same thing he is beneath her helmet! "I know what you're doing," she says, "and if you don't stop it this instant I _will_ blow your head off."

"Creator Tali-Zorah." His eye, sight, whatever, zooms and fixes on her. "Are we not allowed to protect ourselves? Are we not allowed to fight back?"

Her blood boils. These things have served the Reapers and destroyed any chance of her people having a normal life. They have tainted the quarians reputation across an entire galaxy and it acts as if the geth are the victims?

Her grip on the gun tightens. Then Shepard walks in. Tali can scarcely control her breathing. Here is a geth, the one she is grudgingly working beside for Shepard's sake. It is part of the collective that forced her people from her homeworld, the reason she's stuck in a suit and Shepard can look between the two of them and not be able to tell how frustrated she is, how angry and sad, how the tears burn her eyes. Shepard can't see that all because of the damned helmet, all because of the damned geth.

"I never thought we'd be at each other's throats like this," Shepard says.

She's visited Tali in her room. Things have been tense between them. She isn't sure Tali trusts her anymore. That hurts. In more than a handful of instances Tali has swayed her decisions—but not this instance. If she can get the geth to turn away from the 'Old Machines' and 'Nazara' and strip the Reapers of an ally she'll do it. If it costs her Tali then so be it but damn it, if it isn't the last thing she wants.

Tali rips open a package, removing several syringes. She looks at them and then at Shepard. "More immune system boosters," she tells her quietly. She clutches them in her hand. Shepard wonders how difficult it is for her. Does it hurt her? Do they make her ill? Is she worth this? Probably not. She uncaps one, looks for a seal in her suit, finding one near her hip and positioning the syringe.

Shepard covers her hand. "Tali, if you don't want to do this, don't do it." Her eyes appear to narrow on her. "Things have been difficult between us. I don't want them to be. Damn it, if it were up to me I'd give you back your homeworld. I'd give you anything. But I have other responsibilities. I have responsibilities to people other than you and myself. I'm sorry."

"I didn't think that word was in your vocabulary," her voice is weak, tired but there's a hint of a smile in it. "Do you think I'd get so angry at my bosh'tet captain if I didn't care about her? Shepard, I want this. I want you. But sometimes I don't think you understand what I give up for you. I don't even know how to make a comparison. But imagine that Saren was alive and I was asking you to work with him and maybe you agreed to—but then you find he was feeding information to, I don't know… the geth, the Reapers." She sighs. "Maybe there's no adequate comparison."

Shepard grimaces. "I think that about covers it. I know it's hard. Maybe I don't know _how_ hard but I do know." She sighs. "Should I go? If you're going to do this," she looks at the syringe. Tali has been defensive about it before, not wanting her around, stating that it takes the romance out of things if she has to see her make preparations for their future night together.

"Why don't you stay? You said you needed to talk to me. But if this bothers you—" Tali stops when Shepard shakes her head. She nods.

"Need help?"

"With an injection? Not really. But…" she stops when Shepard's fingers close around hers. Their thumbs settle on the plunger of the syringe, pressing down at the same time until it's emptied. Tali sighs softly and removes it. "If nothing else, at least I know you're serious about this. I've heard horror stories of quarians dating humans. Trying anyway… as soon as all the preparation necessary enters the picture they tend to run."

Shepard quirks a smile. "I'm not going anywhere." If it were an option she would run, get the hell away from Tali'Zorah vas Normandy. If it were an option. Somehow she has cemented herself firmly to the woman; she didn't have a goddamn choice in all of it. "I'd let you sting me a few times," she tells her, "but Mordin's already dosed me to capacity. He's got me taking different supplements and inhibitors though. Anyone saw the collection in my medicine cabinet they'd think I was doping."

Tali uncaps another syringe, hesitates and recaps it. She shifts, away from Shepard but facing her, head bowed. "I don't know, Shepard. Is this right? I know what I want. I know that I have never wanted anything or anyone more than this. But is this right for you? Do you really need to go through the trouble?"

Shepard touches her knee. "I like going through the trouble." She hears Tali's exasperated sigh. "I'm with you on this until the end. Don't doubt that. I wouldn't do it if I didn't want to." Still Tali hesitates. She looks small with the syringes in her hands. "Come on, don't you know by now that no one makes me do anything I don't want to?"

"No? And here I was beginning to suspect you had a soft spot for me."

Shepard smiles. "You bet." She settles a hand on her shoulder, sliding up to her neck. She won't tell her about all the material Mordin has sent her way. Any talk of sexual positions would be enough to send Tali into a flustered state and would no doubt make Shepard find her all the more irresistible. "But before I let you distract me _too_ much. I got an email from Xen." She shows Tali the e-mail.

 _From: Admiral Daro'Xen vas Moreh_

 _Shepard vas Normandy,_

 _I've been digging through the Alarei. Just wanted to let you know that I did find a few things from the experiments Rael'Zorah was conducting. Had you shared them with me, humanity might have reaped the benefits. Instead, once my own experiments are complete, you and your people will watch from a distance as the quarian people reclaim not just their homeworld, but the largest synthetic army in the galaxy. Rael'Zorah's death will not have been in vain. I will complete what he started._

 _Cordially,_

 _Admiral Daro'Xen vas Moreh_

Tali reads the email what must be several times over, she's silent for so long. She stands. She paces. "She's crazy," she finally says.

Shepard grins. "Want me to shoot her?"

Tali chuckles. "If only if it were so simple. Anyway, I'll assume you were joking. Quarians may not like involving themselves in intergalactic matters but I promise you, that taking out an admiral, even one like Xen would have serious repercussions. We do have the largest fleet in the galaxy, in case you've forgotten." She takes a breath. "I worry about her intentions. I thought we took everything from the Alarei that would expose what happened there."

"We were in a hurry to get back before they blew us to hell. We might have missed a few things."

"If there's something there… Shepard, what if she gives my father away?"

"She won't. If she wanted to she would have done so by now." She shakes her head. "We have enough things to worry about in the meantime. One thing at a time, all right?"

"Yes. All right." She allows Shepard to pull her down on her lap, taking a seat delicately, wrapping her arms around Shepard's neck. She's slighter than she looks. "Every time I think things can't get any worse, the galaxy goes ahead and surprises me." She sighs. "Don't you wish things would settle down every now and then?"

"If it did we'd get bored."

"You would, maybe," she touches her face. "Last time things were this bad I was a girl on the Normandy. And you were running around with Liara." Shepard thinks of those days. It seems like a lifetime ago. In some ways, they were. She died, didn't she? That was another life. "I was just a kid but I was so jealous."

Shepard wraps her fingers around Tali's hand. "You're not a kid anymore."

Everyone is gone.

It's a ghost ship.

The Collectors took everybody.

"What the hell happened?" Shepard demands. Joker flinches, shrinking back from her words. "I go out on a routine mission and return to find the entire crew missing?"

"I don't know," he sputters, "EDI thinks there was a virus in the IFF. It broadcast our location—"

" _What?"_

"It was not Mr. Moreau's fault," EDI interjects.

"You shut it, EDI," Shepard snaps. She grabs Joker's shirt violently, yanking him close. He winces, groans.

Tali takes her arm. This is terrible. This is too tense. Shepard has never reacted this way toward Joker, Shepard has never reacted this way towards anything. She's too close to the edge. "Shepard, let him go. It's not his fault. It's the Collectors, it's the Collectors, all right?" Shepard squares her jaw, her nostrils flaring. Tali has never seen her look so angry and just on the outskirts of that panic, something else—fear. "We'll get them back but hurting Joker isn't the answer."

Shepard reluctantly lets him go. "You should have been here," he fires back at her, hobbling over to his seat on the bridge. Shepard storms away. Tali looks at Joker. He covers his face with his hands and takes deep breaths. Shepard and Joker both need to take it easy on each other.

"We'll get them back," Tali tells him again.

"Yeah, we'd better."

Tali leaves him. As uneasy as she felt when she first arrived on the Normandy, this is worse. She hadn't thought things could get quieter. Kelly's gone. So are Gabby and Kenneth. Gardner and Chakwas. Keelah. What will they do if they don't get them back? What will that do to Shepard…? Should she go to her now? Should she keep her distance? She isn't sure.

If the Collectors took the Normandy crew who knows what's being to done to them now? Are they being experimented on? Turned to husks? Liquefied? The horrors are all easy to imagine.

It isn't long before Shepard unites everyone in the comm room, making bold, threatening speeches. They will get the crew back. They will make the Collectors pay. They will go through that Omega-4 relay and do the unthinkable: come back. If any of them doubt Shepard, none of them show it. They're emboldened, determined; they believe. They will get the crew back, they will stop the Collectors and they'll all live to tell the tale.

Everyone disperses, Mordin lingering behind to ask all too personal questions about Shepard and things they haven't done yet. Kasumi fades into a wall and Tali combats Mordin's questions the best she can until he finally grows bored and goes to focus on more important things than 'interspecies copulation'. Kasumi appears, cheerfully striding beside her, seemingly untouched by the events that have just transpired aboard the ship. "So you don't have to tell Mordin but why don't you tell me? How are things with you and Shep? It's been a while since you gave me an update."

Tali glances at her, exiting the comm room. "There's not anything to tell, yet."

"But how can you hold back? Especially after that speech she just gave. Hearing Shepard talk is as exciting as seeing her in a fight, I think." Kasumi says somewhat dreamily. Tali wonders if Kasumi has a crush on Shepard too, besides the one she has on Jacob. Maybe she only needs something to fixate on that isn't Keiji.

"There's still time."

"Are you getting cold feet?" Kasumi takes Tali's arm delicately. "In a couple of hours we'll be going through that Omega-4 relay. We don't know what's going to be on the other side. Don't you want to be there for Shepard? Or be with her just once—well… in case we all get blown up?"

"I can't let myself think that way," she pulls away from Kasumi. "I have to believe in Shepard. I have to believe we can win this. We will win this. I can be there for her…without there being more," she shakes her head, feeling her nervousness grow. "I should go see her."

Kasumi smiles. "Good luck. And relax!" she slaps her arm gently. "Come see me before everything. I want to hear it all. Don't worry, I'm not going to sneak in and spy."

Tali looks after her as she saunters away. She _hadn't_ been worried about that. Now… She shakes her head. What's most important is to have a talk with Shepard. She hasn't been able to since the Collectors attacked the Normandy again and took everyone. Shepard has been busy with meetings, with gathering intel, with planning an attack.

Being with Shepard _hadn't_ been on Tali's agenda. Though…technically, everything is ready at long last. Her immune system is as fortified as it should be and if Shepard has done her part then… then things should proceed naturally. Damn it. Why did this have to happen now? There is no time to wait. What if they go through that Omega 4 relay and something happens to her or to Shepard? What if she never has the opportunity to touch her, to feel her skin on her own?

The thoughts are selfish and it bothers her. Is that what really matters now? The Normandy crew might be dead—and it's likely that more will be joining them soon. Shepard is an exceptional commander and captain—but their fight is a difficult one, to survive without any losses… is it possible? She doesn't know.

What if being with Shepard makes her sick? What if she can't join the final battle? How awful. She shakes the nerves. That isn't the first order of business. She and Shepard have always been able to talk and be open with one another. That is what Shepard needs now more than ever.

Tali takes the elevator to her cabin and takes a deep breath, trying to shake the nerves away. She's gone to her cabin before. They've talked, they've touched, they've whispered wonderful things that have made her cheeks flush hot. But that isn't what matters now. What matters now is being with Shepard and letting her know that everything will be okay, that they will get through all of this, together.

She touches her fingers to the cabin door and it slides open. She enters the dark space, lit scarcely by a computer terminal, a small lamp and the aquarium. There are more fish than she remembers. Maybe Shepard does have a soft side after all. Shepard is lying on the bed, her legs hanging off, arms crossed behind her head. She appears relaxed. Tali considers that maybe she's the only one that's worried.

Tali moves closer, self-conscious as she sits on the bed. Shepard doesn't open her eyes. Maybe it's something about her step or the audacity to sit on her bed that alerts Shepard as to who's with her. "I wasn't expecting you."

"No? You haven't learned by now that I like to check up on you?" She smiles nervously. "I was worried. And we hadn't gotten to talk—talk since… well, since we came back and—now everything is moving so fast again. This is the end, Shepard. How are you?"

Shepard resituates on the bed. "Collectors came and took my crew and now we have to go through an Omega-4 relay that could lead us to a black hole as soon as we cross over. They might be dead and we might be too. All things considered, I'm doing just great." She shakes her head disgruntledly and sits up. "I'll take care of it, the way I always do."

"Somehow I knew that you would say that. I can't help but to worry over you, Shepard. You face a lot. You never complain."

Shepard laughs dryly. "I just throw punches and yank glass boned pilots around." She runs her fingers over her face. "Tali—"

"Shepard—" Tali shakes her head. "You first."

"Yeah, okay." She allows a moment. "I've been thinking about us. A lot. It seems that all I do is think about us lately. That and killing Collectors."

"Yeah, me too," Tali adds quickly.

Shepard smiles as if pained. Tali's heart constricts. She breathes words that Shepard can't see or hear. "We shouldn't do this." The air goes out of Tali and even Shepard looks smaller. "I've gone over this a hundred times in my head—"

"But—" Tali sputters. "But—you said—I asked you, Shepard—I asked you time after time," Tali is unsure if she's heartbroken or angry, her voice wavers between both, "and you said it was fine and that we could do this and we would prepare and—and I've done everything," she takes a gulp of air, "I've taken supplements and antibiotics and immune boosters for weeks now, injection after injection and suit modifications and—and—" And what else can she say? She feels as if she's been betrayed. "Shepard—how…" how could you do this? How could you say this?

Tali thinks of Miranda. She thinks of the things Shepard said about her, about her unbelievable body and her perfection, her prowess in bed, all those things said long ago before they began their courtship. Has Shepard suddenly remembered them? Has she remembered better, easier options?

"I thought you wanted to be with me," Tali says. She bows her head and feels the tears running down her face. She's happy she can leave her helmet on, she's happy that Shepard can't see what a stupid, little girl she is, so wounded by this.

"I do," Shepard takes her hand calmly, her voice more desperate than the strength of her hand.

"Then _why_? I didn't come up here for this," Tali says defensively, "I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to see if you were okay…" Maybe somewhere in the back of her mind she had considered this possibility. Maybe if Kasumi hadn't presented it so recently, maybe—the disappointment is crushing. She hadn't known how much she looked forward to this. "But eventually—I have wanted this for years now. I have wanted you for years. Damn it, Shepard. Why did you make me think you were ready for this—was it a game?"

"No!"

"Then why make me believe that you were willing to go through with this if you don't-"

"Damn it, Tali, will you let me talk?" Shepard shouts. She brings a hand to her face, to her forehead. She exhales. Her fingers shake. "Goddamn it, just give me a second." She takes a breath and then another. "Saren, Sovereign, the Collectors, this IFF bullshit—none of that had me half as panicked as this does. Goddamn it, Tali—I love you. And I'm fucking terrified. All right? If something happened to you—if _I_ did something to hurt you… God, I'd never forgive myself." Tali stares at her. Shepard loves her? Shepard is scared? "I'm trying to do the right thing. God knows I've been dying to rip this suit off of you for ages now. I want you so much it _hurts_. But I'm scared. I don't want to kill you with a kiss."

"Can I talk?"

"Yes," Shepard snaps, apologizes.

"Have you taken everything Mordin gave you?"

"Yes," she says sharply. "I've double checked everything, I've had him run tests, I've done everything."

"Well…so have I." Tali scoots closer to her. "Shepard…"

"Why are you even here? This isn't your war. They're after humans."

"I know what you're doing. I know you're trying to protect me. You did that before but I won't let you do it again. You know as well as I do, that after they take the humans, they'll take everyone else. And Shepard, I would rather die a hundred deaths than live the rest of my life without knowing you, without you looking on my face."

"I don't know…" Shepard whispers.

"I do." She takes Shepard's wrist, holds it a moment, releases it. She lifts a hand to her helmet and finds the release. She pushes the cloak back and pulls the mask away. Cold air hits her face. Shepard watches, without moving, as she pulls the rest of the helmet away. Long brown hair, ringlets spill over her shoulders. Tali takes a nervous breath. What does Shepard see when she looks at her? "This is who I am."

Shepard's chest heaves.

"Well… won't you say something?"

"Hi," Shepard breathes.

Tali smiles anxiously. "Hi."

Shepard's fingers touch her face experimentally. Her skin is softer than Tali imagined. Warmer. But her fingertips are callused, hard, soldier's hands. They graze her face. Tali follows the movements. Shepard's thumb traces her lips gingerly, her lower lip, tugging gently.

"You're…beautiful," Shepard says.

"You sound surprised." Maybe it is a little surprising. Is she? Is Shepard just saying it? What is beautiful anyway? Shepard slides closer, hands still on her face experimentally. She'd thought Shepard's hand would move elsewhere as they tend to. "I want a kiss." Shepard is conflicted. "If I die, I'll die happy."

"Don't joke about that."

Tali leans forward and joins their lips, perhaps clumsily. It always appears strange in the vids, something about the timing or the rhythm, she isn't sure. Her eyes should close. She knows that. So she closes her eyes. Shepard regards her curiously. "Are you going to hold back on me?" Tali asks and feels self-conscious the moment the question leaves her lips. "Please, Shepard. I've never done this before and I already feel like a giant idiot."

Shepard cradles her face in her hand. "You're doing fine," she reassures quietly. "Here… let's try it again."

Electricity shoots through her as their lips connect again. Shepard's mouth is soft, wet, warm. Her tongue is a surprise but not a bad one. Tali mirrors the kiss as best she can until she doesn't have to think about it anymore and it's happening, impassioned, demanding. The two of them pull at each other's clothing, slowly at first, Shepard unsure of how to undo the suit, Tali too shy.

"I'll help you," Tali breathes between kisses. And she does help her. Soon there is nothing between her and Shepard, just skin, just kisses and sighs and the future, all of it laid bare, like them, for the taking.


End file.
